You'd think with that much windup, Lilly would have gotten some decent momentum on the ball. But we still had to wait a good minute-and-a-half before it managed to get down to the pins.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
7/23/10 Lilly of the backyard
I just rented the 85mm 1.8. I think I'm in love with it. So much sharper than my other lenses.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
7/22/10 Sunflowers (203 of 365)
There's a small farm and farmstand not too far from my house. Every summer they have a beautiful field of sunflowers, and every summer I think to myself that I'd like to photograph it. Today, the girls were at my parents, so I decided to just do it. I walked into the farmstand, asked one of the women who works there (who I think is part of the family that owns the farm) if I could take some photos of their beautiful sunflowers. I don't know what cynical part of me was expecting her to say no, but I'm glad it was wrong.
There were a ton of bees out there, and I started getting a little freaked out after a few shots. I wanted one with more sky, but the direction of the sun was wrong. That whole thing about sunflowers turning to face the sun? Not true for all sunflowers. These were squarely pointed east while the sun was working its way west. So, the only decent angle included the utility poles and also required a pretty good amount of work in ACR to look right.
7/21/10 Worth the trip
Deanna has convinced me to start blogging my 365 photo project. I debated starting a new blog, but the more I thought about it, I rather like this one as a document of betseeeevolution. I started this photo project on January 1st, and have gotten a lot of satisfaction out of it. Since I usually write a pretty good story on flickr, I'm just going to cut-and-paste the same here. Hope you enjoy!
The girls and I spent the day swimming at the home of some really wonderful friends. When we left, Lilly really wanted pizza, and asked so nicely and with such longing that I agreed. As we walked out of the pizza place, a girl next to us looked up at the sky and went "Whoa!" It looked like Armageddon up there! We hurried back to the car.
And then, like a good mama, I asked my girls if they wanted to take a ride with me up to the beach to see if we could take some pretty pictures (with them safely inside the car) of the storm clouds. Like good photo-mama daughters, they agreed, and off we went.
The serious rain and thunder never actually materialized where we were, but the sky was glorious. And when we got back to our house, 8 or so miles south, the puddles were a good hint as to where the rain had actually gone.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
This, too, shall pass
Sometimes the thought comforts me. Mostly in the middle of a tantrum, or when I have to lie in their bed for 45 minutes (starving because I decided not to eat dinner with them and wait for Ryan because I thought they'd go to bed easily and early) to get them to go to sleep. Or when they freak out about brushing their teeth, or I have a night where they wake me up 4 times between midnight and 7am.
But the rest of the time, it makes me ache. Because along with all those trials, some of my favorite things will pass. The feeling of a plump, bouncy little cheek smooshed up against mine. Getting 15 kisses, on the mouth, when I ask for one. Waking up in the morning (even after the 4 times) and having two little bodies wiggling around and snuggling with me.
It drives me crazy when I am trying to unload the dishwasher, or cook a meal, or just get a little computer time, and they won't leave me alone. A hundred requests for this and that. All I want is a break!
But someday that break is going to come, and when it does, that will be it. There's no other baby waiting in the wings for me to snuggle--they're a one-shot-deal. And in a few years, they're going to be young women, with their own lives, their own interests, and no smooshy cheeks for me. How am I supposed to reconcile with that?
But the rest of the time, it makes me ache. Because along with all those trials, some of my favorite things will pass. The feeling of a plump, bouncy little cheek smooshed up against mine. Getting 15 kisses, on the mouth, when I ask for one. Waking up in the morning (even after the 4 times) and having two little bodies wiggling around and snuggling with me.
It drives me crazy when I am trying to unload the dishwasher, or cook a meal, or just get a little computer time, and they won't leave me alone. A hundred requests for this and that. All I want is a break!
But someday that break is going to come, and when it does, that will be it. There's no other baby waiting in the wings for me to snuggle--they're a one-shot-deal. And in a few years, they're going to be young women, with their own lives, their own interests, and no smooshy cheeks for me. How am I supposed to reconcile with that?
Friday, March 27, 2009
EDD
Three years ago today was technically my EDD (Estimated Due Date). In some ways, it's silly to even consider it as a date at all--who gives birth on their due date, especially with twins? But it's yet another milestone and one I can never forget. My girls were 11 weeks old on their EDD. Instead of newborn pictures on that day, I have this sweet scene.
That's obviously Katie on the left with the nasal cannula.
I seem to have a lot of pregnant friends right now. Not so many in "real" life, but a lot of good friends I know online, many of whom I have met in person, too. One announced her pregnancy today, via Facebook status, and I am thrilled for her. She has had an incredibly hard road following the birth of her first child, and there was a big question whether she'd even be able to have another. Her news put a huge smile on my face.
And then it got me crying. Such is life. I think I've written here before that I don't really want to have any more children. My family is absolutely complete with my two incredible daughters. I feel like we are completely in balance and have no real desire to throw that off.
But I still feel a little sad thinking about never being pregnant again. And somehow seeing so many people have second children brings that out more than those having their first. I really really loved being pregnant. I was sick for most of the first 15 weeks, and exhausted, but I really relished all those strange feelings. Part of that was probably because once we found out it was twins, I knew it was a one-shot deal. So I enjoyed my growing belly, the OB appointments, the ultrasounds, the planning--all of it. It was entirely novel and special and then it was cut short.
If you're only going to be pregnant once, you should at least manage a full 9 months.
That's obviously Katie on the left with the nasal cannula.
I seem to have a lot of pregnant friends right now. Not so many in "real" life, but a lot of good friends I know online, many of whom I have met in person, too. One announced her pregnancy today, via Facebook status, and I am thrilled for her. She has had an incredibly hard road following the birth of her first child, and there was a big question whether she'd even be able to have another. Her news put a huge smile on my face.
And then it got me crying. Such is life. I think I've written here before that I don't really want to have any more children. My family is absolutely complete with my two incredible daughters. I feel like we are completely in balance and have no real desire to throw that off.
But I still feel a little sad thinking about never being pregnant again. And somehow seeing so many people have second children brings that out more than those having their first. I really really loved being pregnant. I was sick for most of the first 15 weeks, and exhausted, but I really relished all those strange feelings. Part of that was probably because once we found out it was twins, I knew it was a one-shot deal. So I enjoyed my growing belly, the OB appointments, the ultrasounds, the planning--all of it. It was entirely novel and special and then it was cut short.
If you're only going to be pregnant once, you should at least manage a full 9 months.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Vacation and recovery
You have to love it when someone says she's going to post more often, then takes another month-long hiatus. It probably wasn't so bright to say that 3 days before leaving for a 10-day Florida/Disney vacation extravaganza. We had a great time, though!
Learned a few things about our kids. Lilly's petrified of fireworks and pretty much any dark ride, especially if it includes loud noises. That kid is really sensitive to noise. Even Mickey's "Philharmagic" 3D movie scared the crap out of her, as did "Winnie The Pooh's adventures," and pretty much every other indoor ride. Let's not even talk about "Pirates of the Caribbean." She did love "It's a Small World" enough that we rode it twice and if you ask, that's her favorite thing at Disney.
We also learned that both of them love shrimp. That took some of the sting out of paying something like 13 bucks apiece at a buffet meal. They probably almost ate enough shrimp each to break even.
All the conventional Disney wisdom says that the kids will be more intimidated by the animal characters, because they don't have a human face to look at, but we found the opposite. They were totally at ease with Tigger and Pooh, but got tongue-tied around their Princess idols. Well, not so tongue-tied that Lilly didn't ask Princess Ariel if she poops in the water. Yes, she did. She had asked about that a few days prior, so I said she could ask Ariel when she meets her. And then I reminded her about it that day, not thinking she'd have the temerity to do so. Apparently, I misjudged my daughter. Ariel was entirely flustered and I let her off the hook by suggesting that they have special mermaid toilets for that.
Prior to Disney we spent several days in Fort Lauderdale and Miami visiting with Ryan's father and his sister's family. It was a blast to see the girls playing with their cousin Conner again, and they all had such a great time together. We're talking about getting together somewhere down South the first week in August, maybe renting a house on the beach somewhere within a reasonable drive of Atlanta, where my mother-in-law lives. We'll see what we manage.
I took 600 pictures in Florida. It's really hard to just pick a representative few. But here they are, anyway.
Kate in white, Lilly in pink (not to be confused with Piglet in pink)
Kate on Daddy's lap, Lilly on mine, on the Jungle Cruise
Kate's dressed as Sleeping Beauty (in pink), Lilly as Cinderella (blue). Belle's dressed as Belle.
With Cinderella.
Lilly on the beach.
Kate on the beach.
Learned a few things about our kids. Lilly's petrified of fireworks and pretty much any dark ride, especially if it includes loud noises. That kid is really sensitive to noise. Even Mickey's "Philharmagic" 3D movie scared the crap out of her, as did "Winnie The Pooh's adventures," and pretty much every other indoor ride. Let's not even talk about "Pirates of the Caribbean." She did love "It's a Small World" enough that we rode it twice and if you ask, that's her favorite thing at Disney.
We also learned that both of them love shrimp. That took some of the sting out of paying something like 13 bucks apiece at a buffet meal. They probably almost ate enough shrimp each to break even.
All the conventional Disney wisdom says that the kids will be more intimidated by the animal characters, because they don't have a human face to look at, but we found the opposite. They were totally at ease with Tigger and Pooh, but got tongue-tied around their Princess idols. Well, not so tongue-tied that Lilly didn't ask Princess Ariel if she poops in the water. Yes, she did. She had asked about that a few days prior, so I said she could ask Ariel when she meets her. And then I reminded her about it that day, not thinking she'd have the temerity to do so. Apparently, I misjudged my daughter. Ariel was entirely flustered and I let her off the hook by suggesting that they have special mermaid toilets for that.
Prior to Disney we spent several days in Fort Lauderdale and Miami visiting with Ryan's father and his sister's family. It was a blast to see the girls playing with their cousin Conner again, and they all had such a great time together. We're talking about getting together somewhere down South the first week in August, maybe renting a house on the beach somewhere within a reasonable drive of Atlanta, where my mother-in-law lives. We'll see what we manage.
I took 600 pictures in Florida. It's really hard to just pick a representative few. But here they are, anyway.
Kate in white, Lilly in pink (not to be confused with Piglet in pink)
Kate on Daddy's lap, Lilly on mine, on the Jungle Cruise
Kate's dressed as Sleeping Beauty (in pink), Lilly as Cinderella (blue). Belle's dressed as Belle.
With Cinderella.
Lilly on the beach.
Kate on the beach.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Random things I'm loving right now
I hope you're not expecting an explanation (excuse?) for my absence the past couple of months. There isn't one. I was just busy and distracted and feeling a little lazy about writing, I suppose. That's all. I thought I'd come back today and jot down a few things.
I've spent the past several years on a few different message boards, all of which grew out of the wedding forums on theknot.com. I've gotten a lot out of those boards. Some aggravation for sure, but so much more in terms of friendship and knowledge. I've met a pretty good number of the women on my boards, in places as far apart as NYC, Kansas City, Ann Arbor, and Raleigh. Probably other places, if I really sit and think about it. We talked each other through getting married, getting pregnant, having babies, raising kids, and in some cases, ending those marriages. There are things I've told the ladies on the boards that I would never ever blog about, and probably wouldn't tell a lot of my real-life friends. When my babies were born so early, a large group (25 or so) of them get together and sent me a huge box, which contained the only "baby shower" I'll ever have. In return, I shared with them the horrifyingly embarrassing photos of my one-week postpartum miserably exhausted self opening the gifts. I think I got the better end of that deal.
Anyway, the boards lived on MSN Groups, and this past October MSN announced that they were shutting down the boards. There were various archiving schemes, and some of the boards did get archived on other sites. And we migrated to other hosting sites going forward, so it's not like we're not all still able to communicate. But not everything got archived. I went through all my posts on one of the baby-related boards and copied every post I started for the past 3.5 years - since I found out I was pregnant. I have a word doc hundreds of pages long. But I couldn't copy every reply I made in every post, and I know countless little bits of information have been lost. There were milestones and stories about the girls that I probably only posted there, and now I will never read them again. It makes me sad if I think about it too hard, and I am trying not to.
So, I'm trying to keep up this blog going forward. I wish so much I had blogged during my pregnancy and first years with the girls. I wish I had done a handwritten journal, written in the form of letters to my babies. I bought one - the day I found out it was twins, I bought a beautiful journal at Barnes & Noble. But not too long after that, I had a scare and thought I might lose one or both babies, and I couldn't bear to start writing to babies that may or may not ever exist. And then they were OK but I started thinking how can I write one journal for 2 people - who will get to keep it when I die? Will they argue over it? (Yes, really, pregnant women are crazy.) And then it was so late into my pregnancy that it seemed silly to start writing now - if you can't start at the beginning, why bother? I can think of a million reasons now. Not everything has to be perfect to be worthwhile. So, from here on in, I'll try and record more of this life here.
To that end, here are just a few of my favorite things right now about Lilly and Kate.
Lilly:
They are exhausting. They don't stop talking from wakeup to bedtime, some days. They don't sleep through the night. They rarely nap more than one hour, and many days not at all lately. They take 30 minutes to get from the livingroom and down the steps into their carseats because they have to examine 20 things and ask me 20 questions on the way. They never seem to eat when I think they are hungry, and then when I think they're not, they ask for snacks all day long. They bite each other. They hit each other. They scream at me. They ignore at least 75 percent of what I say to them.
None of that really matters when I sit down and have a moment to think about the wonders that live inside them. When it's quiet, and they're not climbing on me, I can ponder what an incredible gift these little girls are, and how lucky I am to be their mother. They take everything I ever imagined about having a daughter and magnify it x 1000.
I've spent the past several years on a few different message boards, all of which grew out of the wedding forums on theknot.com. I've gotten a lot out of those boards. Some aggravation for sure, but so much more in terms of friendship and knowledge. I've met a pretty good number of the women on my boards, in places as far apart as NYC, Kansas City, Ann Arbor, and Raleigh. Probably other places, if I really sit and think about it. We talked each other through getting married, getting pregnant, having babies, raising kids, and in some cases, ending those marriages. There are things I've told the ladies on the boards that I would never ever blog about, and probably wouldn't tell a lot of my real-life friends. When my babies were born so early, a large group (25 or so) of them get together and sent me a huge box, which contained the only "baby shower" I'll ever have. In return, I shared with them the horrifyingly embarrassing photos of my one-week postpartum miserably exhausted self opening the gifts. I think I got the better end of that deal.
Anyway, the boards lived on MSN Groups, and this past October MSN announced that they were shutting down the boards. There were various archiving schemes, and some of the boards did get archived on other sites. And we migrated to other hosting sites going forward, so it's not like we're not all still able to communicate. But not everything got archived. I went through all my posts on one of the baby-related boards and copied every post I started for the past 3.5 years - since I found out I was pregnant. I have a word doc hundreds of pages long. But I couldn't copy every reply I made in every post, and I know countless little bits of information have been lost. There were milestones and stories about the girls that I probably only posted there, and now I will never read them again. It makes me sad if I think about it too hard, and I am trying not to.
So, I'm trying to keep up this blog going forward. I wish so much I had blogged during my pregnancy and first years with the girls. I wish I had done a handwritten journal, written in the form of letters to my babies. I bought one - the day I found out it was twins, I bought a beautiful journal at Barnes & Noble. But not too long after that, I had a scare and thought I might lose one or both babies, and I couldn't bear to start writing to babies that may or may not ever exist. And then they were OK but I started thinking how can I write one journal for 2 people - who will get to keep it when I die? Will they argue over it? (Yes, really, pregnant women are crazy.) And then it was so late into my pregnancy that it seemed silly to start writing now - if you can't start at the beginning, why bother? I can think of a million reasons now. Not everything has to be perfect to be worthwhile. So, from here on in, I'll try and record more of this life here.
To that end, here are just a few of my favorite things right now about Lilly and Kate.
Lilly:
- Says "Yes ma'am" and I have no idea where she picked that up.
- If you ask her if she wants something, she replies with a jaunty "Sure!" just like her mama
- Loves to ue the word "certainly" as in "I certainly like Cinderella."
- Told me tonight that she liked the bourbon chicken I made for dinner because "It's nice and saucy."
- Tells me "I like to sleep without you mom (she calls me "Mom" lately). And with you. But I like to sleep without you" and then proceeds to climb into my bed every. single. night. sometime in the wee hours.
- Turned to me while eating eggs I had cooked in heart-shaped bread "frames" on Valentine's Day and said "Thank you for making this for me, Mom."
- Has trouble saying "Fl" or "Fr" and "Thr" at the beginning of words, so she plays with her "shrineds," likes pretty "slowers," and loves to "sly" her fairies "shrough" the air. She's also very excited to go to "Slorida" on vacation at the end of this week. I love to try and get her to say any of these words, because she sounds so stinking cute when she says them. I'll be sad when she starts saying them correctly. Last summer she said "corn" with 2 syllables, so it sounded like "Cah-rin" and I miss it every time I hear her say "corn" now.
- Loves to tell me what her sister likes. If Lilly is eating something, it's "Mommy, Lilly loves macaroni and cheese!" Or "Lilly likes her Cinderella doll." It's hard to describe, but when she says it, she's so thrilled to make this report that it gives me the giggles.
- Comes into our bed every night, usually a few hours prior to Lilly. I'm always frustrated at the interruption (she often times it 2 minutes before the end of a TV show we're watching on Tivo) but then when she lays down and I snuggle in close and put my cheek against her cheek...I melt.
- Thinks (and well tell you) that anything on TV that isn't one of their familiar Noggin or Disney Channel shows is "inaccrocriate." Apparently she told Grandma this about a commercial the other day and made her turn it off.
They are exhausting. They don't stop talking from wakeup to bedtime, some days. They don't sleep through the night. They rarely nap more than one hour, and many days not at all lately. They take 30 minutes to get from the livingroom and down the steps into their carseats because they have to examine 20 things and ask me 20 questions on the way. They never seem to eat when I think they are hungry, and then when I think they're not, they ask for snacks all day long. They bite each other. They hit each other. They scream at me. They ignore at least 75 percent of what I say to them.
None of that really matters when I sit down and have a moment to think about the wonders that live inside them. When it's quiet, and they're not climbing on me, I can ponder what an incredible gift these little girls are, and how lucky I am to be their mother. They take everything I ever imagined about having a daughter and magnify it x 1000.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Love in the morning
The girls were playing in their room, and I was here in my room putting some stuff away. Lilly comes in asking for a headband. Kate follows her in.
K - "Oh, I found out where you was leaving to."
L - "But I still love you."
(hugs and smiles)
K - "We was having a group hug. That's why we was getting married!"
and then they run off. They crack me up!
K - "Oh, I found out where you was leaving to."
L - "But I still love you."
(hugs and smiles)
K - "We was having a group hug. That's why we was getting married!"
and then they run off. They crack me up!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
A successful feast
Well, Molly was right. The turkey wasn't hard at all! And it came out fantastic, even with my bizarre method. I was making this awesome roasted pumpkin with cheese "fondue" from Gourmet magazine, and that needed to be in the oven at the same time as the turkey. My Mom gave me her roaster oven to do the turkey, but I wanted to do Alton Brown's cooking method, which involved starting the turkey at 500 degrees for 30 minutes, then turning it down to 350 for the rest of the time. The roaster oven only goes up to 450.
So, I improvised. I stuck the turkey in the roasting pan from the roaster oven, and put that in the regular oven at 500. Preheated the roaster oven without the pan, and after 30 minutes just pulled the turkey out of the oven (well, I made Ryan do this, actually) and popped it into the roaster oven. Worked out beautifully. The turkey was delicious, as were all the sides. The pumpkin, as you can see, was gorgeous and decadent and yummy.
So, I improvised. I stuck the turkey in the roasting pan from the roaster oven, and put that in the regular oven at 500. Preheated the roaster oven without the pan, and after 30 minutes just pulled the turkey out of the oven (well, I made Ryan do this, actually) and popped it into the roaster oven. Worked out beautifully. The turkey was delicious, as were all the sides. The pumpkin, as you can see, was gorgeous and decadent and yummy.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving!
I've been in the kitchen all week. My father-in-law and his wife will be in town, so we're hosting them and my parents here at Casa O'Girlie. I've got a whole world of food prepared, but I'm anxious about this stupid turkey. Oy, the turkey! Wish me luck. ;)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I wanna be a supermodel
Today's kind of a junky day. Kate's got a cold and is cranky as all get out. I'm trying to clean up the house and re-cover my dining room chairs because my mother-in-law is coming this weekend. And I'm trying to assemble a meatloaf that Ryan and I have been craving since seeing the recipe on Americas Test Kitchen this weekend. It's hard to do all the above with one or the other child doing their best impersonation of a limpet.
So, instead of adding to the whine, I'll share some pics from this past weekend's big event (which is probably where Katie picked up her current cold). The girls were models in our local March of Dimes chapter's Prematurity Awareness Fashion Show. They had so much fun! It was also a pretty moving event, and I think if they hadn't been so freaking hilarious and excited about it all, I would've had a lot of teary moments. But they were so crazy and giddy and happy that my focus was almost entirely on the present.
Lilly's in the pink dress, Katie's in the plaid.
When their turn on the runway was up (while they were out there, an emcee from the local news station read their preemie bio - written by Mom - and they showed a few NICU pictures on the screen next to the runway) Katie didn't want to leave. The emcee asked her if she wanted to stay up there, and she just said "OK!" and hung out for another minute before we could get her away.
After it was all over, they ran around and played with the other kids (all former preemies) on the dance floor. It was so fun to see them become instant friends with these little kids like that. In the past they haven't done that so much. Lilly showed off some of her favorite dance moves -- she is really into dancing these days!
And now she just climbed into my lap, so I think this post is over.
So, instead of adding to the whine, I'll share some pics from this past weekend's big event (which is probably where Katie picked up her current cold). The girls were models in our local March of Dimes chapter's Prematurity Awareness Fashion Show. They had so much fun! It was also a pretty moving event, and I think if they hadn't been so freaking hilarious and excited about it all, I would've had a lot of teary moments. But they were so crazy and giddy and happy that my focus was almost entirely on the present.
Lilly's in the pink dress, Katie's in the plaid.
When their turn on the runway was up (while they were out there, an emcee from the local news station read their preemie bio - written by Mom - and they showed a few NICU pictures on the screen next to the runway) Katie didn't want to leave. The emcee asked her if she wanted to stay up there, and she just said "OK!" and hung out for another minute before we could get her away.
After it was all over, they ran around and played with the other kids (all former preemies) on the dance floor. It was so fun to see them become instant friends with these little kids like that. In the past they haven't done that so much. Lilly showed off some of her favorite dance moves -- she is really into dancing these days!
And now she just climbed into my lap, so I think this post is over.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
I'm glad I finally figured that out
It's not a well-kept secret that I enjoy shopping. I'm a girl, I'm Jewish, I was raised on Long Island - it's sort of my birthright, no? I enjoy the whole process, the looking at stuff, the trying to find something I love that looks good at a good price.
In the past couple of years, though, I haven't enjoyed it so much. I do like finding clothes for the girls, but when it comes to shopping for me, not so much. I've especially found I get tense and uncomfortable at the mall or at the outlet center - places I would always love to go in the past. I'll leave the girls with my parents or the babysitter, expecting to have this wonderful day of selfishness, and it doesn't materialize.
I'm fine for 20-30 minutes, but then I start feeling strange. Like I'm alone, naked, and vulnerable. Like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. Like it's wrong for me to be there when my girls aren't with me. I guess it's sort of like an anxiety attack. I end up not having much fun, only buying clothes for them, and hurrying out of there with this terrible feeling of guilt and doom that I can't understand.
It finally dawned on me a few days ago. I feel like I did when they were in the NICU. When everything was wrong, because my babies were in the hospital. I didn't go out much, but I did go to the mall once or twice and to the outlet center once (to buy clothes for them, of course). Maybe that was enough. But it's something of a relief to realize that this confusing reaction is probably related to PTSD.
It's also something of a disappointment, because I have been in therapy for this and really thought I was doing a lot better than that. I know I am in some ways, you don't have to point that out - I just really didn't realize I could have such a visceral reaction (I have had times when I've had to leave, heart pounding and about to cry, and I can't understand why) to an activity not directly related to the NICU. I would understand if this happened at the ped's office, or the lab, or even the drugstore. But the outlet mall? That was pretty much a dark horse in the PTSD-inducing race, don't you think?
In the past couple of years, though, I haven't enjoyed it so much. I do like finding clothes for the girls, but when it comes to shopping for me, not so much. I've especially found I get tense and uncomfortable at the mall or at the outlet center - places I would always love to go in the past. I'll leave the girls with my parents or the babysitter, expecting to have this wonderful day of selfishness, and it doesn't materialize.
I'm fine for 20-30 minutes, but then I start feeling strange. Like I'm alone, naked, and vulnerable. Like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. Like it's wrong for me to be there when my girls aren't with me. I guess it's sort of like an anxiety attack. I end up not having much fun, only buying clothes for them, and hurrying out of there with this terrible feeling of guilt and doom that I can't understand.
It finally dawned on me a few days ago. I feel like I did when they were in the NICU. When everything was wrong, because my babies were in the hospital. I didn't go out much, but I did go to the mall once or twice and to the outlet center once (to buy clothes for them, of course). Maybe that was enough. But it's something of a relief to realize that this confusing reaction is probably related to PTSD.
It's also something of a disappointment, because I have been in therapy for this and really thought I was doing a lot better than that. I know I am in some ways, you don't have to point that out - I just really didn't realize I could have such a visceral reaction (I have had times when I've had to leave, heart pounding and about to cry, and I can't understand why) to an activity not directly related to the NICU. I would understand if this happened at the ped's office, or the lab, or even the drugstore. But the outlet mall? That was pretty much a dark horse in the PTSD-inducing race, don't you think?
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Pleased and proud
And it has nothing to do with my kids for a change! I'm just so glad and impressed that enough people in this country were able to see past the color of a man's skin and elect him to the white house. Right up until the end I wasn't sure if it really could happen, and it makes me cry with joy and relief that it did.
The only blotch on the experience is that I seem to have at least one sick kid, probably two before the day is out. Lilly developed a fever last night and still has it this morning, and both had a restless night. I have a feeling Kate's temp will be up any minute. No other symptoms, just a fever. We were supposed to have a playdate with my library friends, including Rachel, who just had her second baby. Cancelled that almost as soon as I felt that hot forehead. :(
The only blotch on the experience is that I seem to have at least one sick kid, probably two before the day is out. Lilly developed a fever last night and still has it this morning, and both had a restless night. I have a feeling Kate's temp will be up any minute. No other symptoms, just a fever. We were supposed to have a playdate with my library friends, including Rachel, who just had her second baby. Cancelled that almost as soon as I felt that hot forehead. :(
Monday, November 03, 2008
This is the thanks I get?
I spent a lot of time and effort cleaning things up yesterday. Seriously, my bedroom has been a mess since...well...hmm. It probably was semi-clean at some point during the girls' lives, but that was probably an illusion.
Anyway, it's not perfect now - the dresser is a little cluttered and there are some odds and ends that still need to be put away. Still, the big rubbermaid bins of clothes are no longer in the middle of the floor, the toys that remain in here are contained to one box, and generally the place looks like normal people live here.
Lilly wakes up and says "This floor is very clean!" and I think that's adorable. Yes, it is, Lilly, and we're going to keep it that way from now on.
About 20 minutes later, Kate surveys the place from her perch on the bed. She looks at me sadly and sweetly whines "I like it messy."
Anyway, it's not perfect now - the dresser is a little cluttered and there are some odds and ends that still need to be put away. Still, the big rubbermaid bins of clothes are no longer in the middle of the floor, the toys that remain in here are contained to one box, and generally the place looks like normal people live here.
Lilly wakes up and says "This floor is very clean!" and I think that's adorable. Yes, it is, Lilly, and we're going to keep it that way from now on.
About 20 minutes later, Kate surveys the place from her perch on the bed. She looks at me sadly and sweetly whines "I like it messy."
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Well that sure was a long trip!
Did you think I'd been in Orlando this whole time, soaking up the sun and ordering room-service sushi? Yeah, I didn't think so.
The trip was OK. Kind of a bust. Got bumped from the swank hotel to the Residence Inn so instead of sushi I had to go down to the crappy bar and get a mediocre grouper sandwich and eat it in my room while watching the debate. Pffft!
But everyone survived. Ryan said the girls were just fine, and didn't cry much about me being gone. Oddly enough, tonight, when I mentioned that Grandpa Cesar (Ryan's Dad) lives in Florida, Lilly said "Just like you went to!" And then proceeded to tell me that she cried about me when I went to Florida and was very sad. She seemed in good spirits about the whole thing, so it doesn't seem any irreperable damage has taken place.
We had a very nice Hulaween. That's not a misspelling, as the picture proves.
They weren't really as grouchy as they look - it was very bright and the sun was right in their eyes. I think we may have overdone the Halloween events, though. Sunday the 26th was a costume party at Gymboree, then Wednesday we had a Halloween-ish-themed birthday party for some twins we're buddies with, Thursday was a costume party at the library (where this pic was taken) and by Trick-or-Treat on Friday, I was totally burnt out on the holiday! I think they might have been, too. They enjoyed the T-or-T but they were pretty quiet and got tired after maybe 10 houses. We do our T-or-T in my old neighborhood, with Grandma and Pop-pop, because they have sidewalks and it's more "neighborhoody" (plus they love it) so we went back to my parents' after that and that was that.
This weekend was recovery, house-cleaning, and general lack of excitement. I cleaned my bedroom and scrubbed my bathroom floor today. I can't tell you the last time that floor got scrubbed. Well, I could...but then I'd have to die of embarrassment.
The trip was OK. Kind of a bust. Got bumped from the swank hotel to the Residence Inn so instead of sushi I had to go down to the crappy bar and get a mediocre grouper sandwich and eat it in my room while watching the debate. Pffft!
But everyone survived. Ryan said the girls were just fine, and didn't cry much about me being gone. Oddly enough, tonight, when I mentioned that Grandpa Cesar (Ryan's Dad) lives in Florida, Lilly said "Just like you went to!" And then proceeded to tell me that she cried about me when I went to Florida and was very sad. She seemed in good spirits about the whole thing, so it doesn't seem any irreperable damage has taken place.
We had a very nice Hulaween. That's not a misspelling, as the picture proves.
They weren't really as grouchy as they look - it was very bright and the sun was right in their eyes. I think we may have overdone the Halloween events, though. Sunday the 26th was a costume party at Gymboree, then Wednesday we had a Halloween-ish-themed birthday party for some twins we're buddies with, Thursday was a costume party at the library (where this pic was taken) and by Trick-or-Treat on Friday, I was totally burnt out on the holiday! I think they might have been, too. They enjoyed the T-or-T but they were pretty quiet and got tired after maybe 10 houses. We do our T-or-T in my old neighborhood, with Grandma and Pop-pop, because they have sidewalks and it's more "neighborhoody" (plus they love it) so we went back to my parents' after that and that was that.
This weekend was recovery, house-cleaning, and general lack of excitement. I cleaned my bedroom and scrubbed my bathroom floor today. I can't tell you the last time that floor got scrubbed. Well, I could...but then I'd have to die of embarrassment.
Monday, October 06, 2008
How do they know?
I'm going away tomorrow. Only for one night. Maybe 32 hours from the time I leave my house until the time I return. It's my first business trip in over 3 years, and I'm both anxious and excited. I'm going down to Orlando for a meeting between the agency for which I do all my work-at-home freelance and another agency. I was very flattered to be asked to go, and I feel like it's a good idea for professional and personal reasons.
I haven't mentioned it to the girls yet, because they don't really have much of a grasp on time right now, and I'd rather not cause anxiety for longer than necessary. I'll tell them tomorrow and I think that'll be fine.
But somehow, they seem to know. Because tonight at bedtime they didn't want to listen to their usual bedtime CD of celtic lullabyes. They wanted me to sing to them. So I sang them their usual bedtime songs, For Baby, Duermete mi Nina, and Hele on to Kaua'i (I realize that last one is an odd choice - but for some reason it sprang out of my mouth one night when I was feeding them as tiny little infants, and it stuck). Then they made me sing Rocky Road, which is on Daddy's greatest hits list, and he usually sings a super-upbeat version. I sang it far more slowly. Then they were still awake but very quiet, so I pulled out My Favorite Things, and The Sound of Music.
After all that, they were soundly asleep, both smooshed up against me (I'm always in the middle at bedtime). They were so sweet, and so soft, and so snuggly, that of course I cried at the thought of leaving them.
I may feel differently around 3am when they roll on into my room screaming for whatever 2-year-olds are screaming for at 3am.
I haven't mentioned it to the girls yet, because they don't really have much of a grasp on time right now, and I'd rather not cause anxiety for longer than necessary. I'll tell them tomorrow and I think that'll be fine.
But somehow, they seem to know. Because tonight at bedtime they didn't want to listen to their usual bedtime CD of celtic lullabyes. They wanted me to sing to them. So I sang them their usual bedtime songs, For Baby, Duermete mi Nina, and Hele on to Kaua'i (I realize that last one is an odd choice - but for some reason it sprang out of my mouth one night when I was feeding them as tiny little infants, and it stuck). Then they made me sing Rocky Road, which is on Daddy's greatest hits list, and he usually sings a super-upbeat version. I sang it far more slowly. Then they were still awake but very quiet, so I pulled out My Favorite Things, and The Sound of Music.
After all that, they were soundly asleep, both smooshed up against me (I'm always in the middle at bedtime). They were so sweet, and so soft, and so snuggly, that of course I cried at the thought of leaving them.
I may feel differently around 3am when they roll on into my room screaming for whatever 2-year-olds are screaming for at 3am.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
This music will feel you big happy
That's what I heard Kate say to Lilly tonight when Lilly had been crying over banging her finger or something like that. I nearly choked on my water. Is she translated from Japanese?
That random little moment made up for a day filled with tantrums over toys forgotten at home, fighting over Legos, crying "I want to get out of here. I want to go to someone's house!" and then refusing to get in the damn car to go to the mall, and even the hour-long bedtime struggle, including the impromptu (and probably true, given how little they ate today) "I need a snack" 20 minutes after the lights were out (I got them cheese sticks and they fell asleep shortly after finishing).
They drive me nuts sometimes. But mostly, they feel me big happy.
That random little moment made up for a day filled with tantrums over toys forgotten at home, fighting over Legos, crying "I want to get out of here. I want to go to someone's house!" and then refusing to get in the damn car to go to the mall, and even the hour-long bedtime struggle, including the impromptu (and probably true, given how little they ate today) "I need a snack" 20 minutes after the lights were out (I got them cheese sticks and they fell asleep shortly after finishing).
They drive me nuts sometimes. But mostly, they feel me big happy.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Leema, Lima, let's call the whole thing off
I'm eating a big bowl of fresh lima beans with butter and salt, courtesy of my Dad's garden. The girls didn't have much interest, and Ryan is working late, so they are mine, all mine! I saved the smaller, more-tender ones for last, and they've been swimming around in the butter, so I'm savoring them one-by-one, sans fork. I haven't been over to my parents' place to survey the garden lately, so I don't know whether more beans will be headed my way. I hope so.
Why do Americans pronounce the "i" in "Lima" like "eye" rather than like "ee" as in the city of Lima, for which the beans are named?
I think my city-based work has ended for a while, which is fine for now. The money is great, but it's exhausting to go in there 3 days a week, then come home and deal with the girls. No decompression time, as Ryan is rarely home by their bedtime. I think there will be more home-based freelance coming my way. I do some work for a creative director I met last summer when he was at a big agency, and now he's at a small shop that just won some more new business. He asked me to send my resume so the account team can put together a team deck, so I assume that means I'm intended to be part of the team. I'm happy to do it. He's a great guy, both in the professional and personal sense, and absolutely a pleasure to work with.
I think we need some girlie pictures in here, don't we? Yesterday we went to Adventureland, with my friend Leanne and her family. To say they had a good time would be a massive understatement.
Kate
Lilly
Mommy (with Kate) had a good time, too.
Why do Americans pronounce the "i" in "Lima" like "eye" rather than like "ee" as in the city of Lima, for which the beans are named?
I think my city-based work has ended for a while, which is fine for now. The money is great, but it's exhausting to go in there 3 days a week, then come home and deal with the girls. No decompression time, as Ryan is rarely home by their bedtime. I think there will be more home-based freelance coming my way. I do some work for a creative director I met last summer when he was at a big agency, and now he's at a small shop that just won some more new business. He asked me to send my resume so the account team can put together a team deck, so I assume that means I'm intended to be part of the team. I'm happy to do it. He's a great guy, both in the professional and personal sense, and absolutely a pleasure to work with.
I think we need some girlie pictures in here, don't we? Yesterday we went to Adventureland, with my friend Leanne and her family. To say they had a good time would be a massive understatement.
Kate
Lilly
Mommy (with Kate) had a good time, too.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Working. A lot.
I've been doing a lot of work lately, for me. For the past few weeks, I've been in the city at my old agency job for 3 days (Tuesday, Thursday, Friday) and I've had conference calls for my work-at-home freelance stuff on Wednesday afternoons, plus assorted other stuff for that particular job in between at random times. It's been a bit rough! I'm appreciating the money, and the contact with my "old life" in the city, but I'm getting worn out.
Will try and come back and write more tomorrow. But other than being pooped out, things are fine.
Will try and come back and write more tomorrow. But other than being pooped out, things are fine.
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