I'm supposed to be working right now. The girls are with Grandma and Pop-pop, and I have a lot to do. But I just got these pics from our aquarium/ice cream day, and I can't resist.

Me and Katie




Me and Lilly



Four happy kids, about to get messy.



Sophie sharing her cone with Lilly.



Katie sharing a laugh with Sebastian.

Katie's blissful mess.

Right around the girls' second birthday, they apparently decided to stop liking their cribs. They have never been great nappers or nighttime sleepers, but putting them down for a nap or bedtime was always very easy. Maybe 1 night a month I would try to put them to bed too early and they would cry, but otherwise they'd kiss me, lie down, and go to sleep. I knew I had trouble when that stopped working, and putting them into their cribs became very much like trying to put a cat in a tub of water.

We had a thick tempurpedic mattress pad that used to be on our bed, so we put that on the floor in their room, and they slept on it much more happily than they did in their cribs. About a month ago it was obvious that we weren't going back to the cribs, so we took the plunge. Ryan and I bought a king size bed for ourselves, and gave the girls our queen.

Things are a lot better. The only problem is now they won't go to sleep on their own - I have to be in the room. And I have to lie down between them. And it has to be me. They will pretend to let Daddy put them to bed, but when the lights go out, they scream for Mommymommymommy.

Most of the time I am OK with this. It takes 5-10 minutes for naps, 10-25 minutes for bedtime, usually. Sometimes I find it incredibly frustrating (mostly if they are hyper and can't calm down, so I am in there too long) and I have to work really really hard not to become mean Mommy.

Sometimes, though, the simple act of putting them down for a nap becomes pure bliss. I don't know why, but today everything was perfect. Lilly said she wanted to snuggle, so she rolled onto her belly and flung her arm around my neck. Katie just wanted to lie on her back with her hand on my arm. I could tell Lilly was asleep halfway through the 2nd song on their lullabye CD (a beautiful Celtic compilation, by the way, given to us by Karen and her son Neil William).

I turned to look at Katie, and her eyes were flickering up and down, and I could see she was looking at the picture on the wall in front of the bed. (It's a picture I drew in elementary school, of a cat, and my Mom gave it to me right before I got pregnant, so now it's framed in their room.) I watched her eyes open and close a few times, and she didn't notice me at all, so I continued to gaze as her eyelids gently closed for real, and she relaxed into sleep.

And then I lay there for another 5 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably. They are so beautiful, so precious, and I am so lucky to have them healthy and alive and lively as they are. The moments when that realization hits me are some of the most perfect I've ever experienced.

What a Monday. It just felt like a Monday all day long. Emphasis on the "long" part.

We did a lot of fun stuff this weekend, and the girls didn't get a lot of naps in. Yesterday was the March for Babies (we raised $2080!) in the rain, then the Children's Museum, and they really only slept in the car. So this morning they somehow slept until 9:15 (not straight through, of course - if you know my girls you'll be unsurprised that I was up at least 4x overnight with them, which I will admit is far more than I have been most nights lately). That messed with their circadian rhythm, I guess, because they were tired, but not sleepy during their usual naptime of 1pm-ish.

I ended up throwing them in the car at 2:15 and they fell asleep in about 10 minutes. I went to the drive-through Starbucks and got a latte, then headed back home because I needed a quick pit stop. I left them sleeping in the car (not running!) inside the garage with the door closed. They woke up in about 10 minutes, for a total of maybe 30 minutes' nap. There was enough time to go to Gymboree play gym at 3pm, so I headed over there. They were all excited, and tragedy struck - darkness in the gym and a sign on the door informing me that play gym is now at 1:45pm. Nooo!

Luckily, I had noticed there was a 4pm class we could attend at a Gymboree a little further away, which just opened. So I psyched them up for that, and my little loves totally went with the flow. The class was really crowded, but they had a good enough time. Did a little shopping afterwards (the gym is in a mall with a bunch of kids' outlet stores) and gave them pizza at the food court. Then we came home, got jammied up, took some cute video of them being silly in their room (I'm too tired now to download and edit), and they were asleep only a little later than normal, by 8:45-9ish.

Now that I read all that, why did it feel like such a junky day? Cramps, nausea, headache - they really do mess with your whole outlook, don't they?

I don't have anything much to say. But I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging regularly, not just when I buy a house, have some kids, or need donations to a cause.

Took the girls to our local aquarium today with Leanne and her 2 kids. It was crowded. Very very crowded. I think even the kids (ranging from 18months to 3.5 years, mine in the middle) were bothered by the crowd because all 4 of them spent way more time in the stroller than I have ever seen. Leanne had her sit and stand stroller, I had my double side-by-side, and the kids swapped in and out. After we had a not-very-relaxing lunch al fresco, I suggested we bail and go down the road to a cute little ice cream place. On the way out the door, I had Sebastian and Kate, and Leanne had Lilly and Sophie in her stroller, so that's how we drove to the ice cream place (with Lilly and Sebastian's consent to the switch). It was so fun to listen to Kate chat with her friend in the back seat on the way there.

K: "We going to have ice cream!"
S: "I'm going to have chocolate ice cream."
K: "I going to have chocolate too!"
S: "I am going to have chocolate with chocolate chips."
K: "I going to have chippies, too."

*giggling*

I didn't have a camera because Ryan brought it into work today, but Leanne got some cute pics of me with the girls, and some nice shots of all 4 of them sitting on a bench, messily eating ice cream. The former are very rare photos these days. I hope I get to see them this decade. It's amazing how few pictures I have of me and my children. Between my husband who would rather play than shoot (understandable, but frustrating) and my friends who shoot but don't know how to download and post, it's rather pathetic! I end up feeling like an idiot, begging people to take pictures of me with my kids, which just doesn't end up feeling natural, ya know?

As we did last year (and will every year as long as I am physically able - which I expect will be a long time) my family and some friends are participating in the March of Dimes March for Babies. It used to be called WalkAmerica, but they finally changed it to something a little more telegraphic.

Since giving birth to my girls so premature, there's nothing I want more than to prevent them and anyone else from experiencing the heartache of a premature birth and NICU stay. We are forever indebted to the March of Dimes for funding so much of the research that helped created the NICU which saved our babies' lives. But there is so much more work to be done in preventing premature birth in the first place.

If you want to support Team O'Girlie, you can visit our team page.

If you need further convincing, watch the video.

Oh crap. When I changed my template, of course I lost all my old comments. Aaaaagh!

And she's back. Just like that.

I've toyed for months with the idea of blogging again. But I couldn't decide how to go about it. I didn't really want to start a new blog, and abandon everything here, even though this was primarily (and certainly by title) a blog about knitting, something I haven't touched in nearly 2 years. But I felt funny coming back here after so much time. I have even had the passing anxiety about who's going to find this blog now. I use this screenname on a few message boards, and as always happens, there are a few people there who don't like me. Do I really want them finding me here?

I still don't know the "right" answer to any of the above, but I decided what the hell, I'll just start posting again. I need the outlet, and maybe this will help reconnect me to the person I was before I became a mother. Anything that furthers that goal is probably a good idea at this point. I'm actually at a freelance job in the city right now, which seems a fitting place to start bloggign again, because it was on a slow day at another freelance job that I started this whole thing in the first place.

I don't really know what I am going to talk about here. Twins. Motherhood. Writing. Photography (a recently-rekindled interest). PTSD. All of these are part of my life, in varying degrees and not necessarily in order.

The easiest thing to talk about is Twins. My girls are doing wonderfully. We celebrated their 2nd birthday a few weeks ago, and they could not be more amazing. They had their follow-up appointment at the high-risk infant clinic (all the NICU grads go there until at least age 3) last week, and to say they did well is a major understatement. Their verbal skills are generally at the 3-year level, and above.

I don't know why it would surprise me that my girls are highly verbal at such an early age (other than the fact that twins and premature babies commonly have language delays.) I was an early talker and reader, as was my brother. And I talk to them all the livelong day. But still, I did not expect to have 2-year-olds who can count as high as 12, know most of their colors and shapes, talk in 5-6 word sentences, and say "please" and "thank you" at least 50% of the time.

To say I am blown away barely scratches the surface. We are extremely fortunate.

Wow! People still sometimes read my blog! I'm utterly stunned. And thrilled! I've missed blogging, though I've filled the void with multiple pregnancy-and-mommy-oriented message boards. I kept saying I'd start a baby blog, but I never got to it.

The back story on Lilly and Kate is that I found out I was pregnant July 15th last year. It had been taking a while, so we had been seeing a fertility specialist, and were just starting to talk about taking Clomid. I was terrified of doing that and having multiples. Then I got pregnant on my own and was so relieved. Then at 7 weeks 4 days into my pregnancy, this is what we saw on the ultrasound.

I was completely petrified, and Ryan turned to me and said "This is going to be great!" and said it with such enthusiasm that I had to believe him!

I had all-day-and-particularly-evening sickness until about 15 weeks. I got big fast. At 19 weeks we took a trip out to Hawaii to see Ryan's sister and her husband, who happened to get pregnant the same time we did. Her due date (3/23) was 4 days before mine. We had a great trip! It seems a million years ago, now. Here's me in all my pregnant glory on the beach at Hanauma Bay.























At 24 weeks, a few weeks before Christmas, my doctor had me stop working and go on modified bedrest as a precautionary measure. Preterm labor is very common with twins, so he was doing everything he could to prevent it. The day after Christmas I realized I was having contractions. They were regular for a while, but then they stopped, so my doctor told me to come in the next day. I felt great that day. So good I let Ryan stay at home because he was working on a deadline. Up until that point he had been at every appointment with me.

When I got to the doctor, I felt fine for woman carrying 27-week twins. I had one contraction when I stood up in his office, but I wasn't worried. He did a fetal fibronectin test and internal exam, my cervix is closed. Then he does the transvaginal sonogram and my previously "long and closed" 3.5 cm cervix is down to 1.3 cm. Do not pass go, do not pick up husband, go staight to Labor & Delivery, he will call ahead and be there later.

They admitted me and put me on terbutaline, and put all the monitors on - 1 for contractions, 1 baby a, 1 for baby b. I was covered in monitors. I got 3 doses of injected terb, followed by oral every 4 hours. I started breaking through with contractions before 4 hours was up, so they went to 3 hours. That seemed to work. Kept the monitors on all night, etc. Nothing exciting recorded. Next day they sent me down for a sono with the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist, and although the babies looked awesome (2 lb 9 and 2 lbs 13 were the estimates) I was now 70% effaced, fingertip-1cm dilated. Within an hour I was in an ambulance, lights and sirens, on my way to North Shore University Hospital, because they have a better NICU in case my babies were going to be born.

There, they went through all the drugs. Indocin and terbutaline at first didn't do it. Magnesium sulfate stopped everything for several days, but is toxic enough that they took me off that and tried a terbutaline pump. That made my heart rate way too fast, so they had to take me off. Then I went on nifedipine, which lowered my blood pressure like crazy, but it stayed just high enough to be safe. It wasn't as effective though. After 2 weeks, everything failed and at 2:30 in the morning (Tuesday morning), I woke up out of a sound sleep. I felt kind of funny "down there" and thought maybe my water had broken so I called the nurse immediately. It turned out I was bleeding, and I totally freaked out thinking I had a placental abruption or something, but she said that would be really painful and this as not. I had to try really hard not to panic. She called for the resident to come in, and in the meantime tried to keep me calm.

The resident came in, checked my cervix and said I was now at 3cm (before I was 1-2) and that the blood was probably bloody show. I called Ryan and told him to get up and get here, because it looked like we'd hit our expiration date. They took me down to labor and delivery again, put all the monitors on, and I was contracting every 1-2 minutes. Some of them I felt really strongly (and painfully) and some I didn't even notice. In came the bag of magnesium sulfate, which I didn't try to fight because I knew it was my only hope of not having babies that day.

The mag slowed down the contractions considerably. They got as far as 20 minutes apart, though each one was quite painful. Around 11 they brought me down to maternal-fetal medicine and the doctor who usually does my Level IIs did a biophysical profile. He was very concerned when he saw how low Baby A (who became Lilly) was and asked when I had last had my cervix checked. I told him 3am and he said OK, he was going to call up and make sure someone checked my cervix when I got back to L&D. While we were waiting for the perinatalogist, I told Ryan I thought this was it. He was still in denial. At some point he was like "Yeah, I'm so tired...I'll probably go home in a little while when they bring you back to your room." I somehow knew that wouldn't happen. The contractions started coming closer together and were really really painful - enough that I couldn't really talk through them anymore.

I watched the doctor's face while she checked my cervix, and I saw her eyes get big. I was 6 cm, 100% effaced, and Baby A's membranes were bulging. That was it, she told us there was no way to stop it at this point, so we would stop the magnesium and have babies today. She reminded us how we had gotten two more weeks out of them and told me she highly recommended an epidural because both twins were head down and they were going to let me try vaginally (very important to me and that made me feel a lot better), but if I needed a c-section, having the epi on board already would save valuable time. I was all for it, and I could not believe the change in my personality outlook after I got the epi. I suddenly realized I had been in some level of pain for a looooong time.

At that point, we called my parents, and invited them to come sit with us and wait for my water to break. They were allowed to hang in the delivery room until that point. Once we had time to get over the initial shock and fear, we started to get excited to meet our girls and to have the PTL ordeal over with, even knowing that this early birth had so many dangers. My parents were really great and supportive, and it was surprisingly nice to have them there. I was super-sleepy and drifted off a few times while they all chattered, which was fine.

Mostly we sat and watched the monitor to see how close the contractions were. They got to 3 minutes and incredibly regular, and the doc sent my parents out so she could check me. 10 cm, ready to rumble. Mom and Dad came in to kiss me good luck, and suddenly the medical parade began! Our quiet little room was invaded by neonatalogists, neonatal nurses, anesthesiologists, pediatricians oh my! I think there were a dozen of those people, plus the attending perinatalogist, my L&D nurse, and the two resident physicians who did most of the work.
They broke the first bag of water, which felt kind of cool - like a little internal "poink." The contractions started coming closer together, and it was time to push. They told me to push like I was constipated. LOL! With each contraction, they had me push 3 times. They were awesome, because they didn't count or anything - they just said OK...PUSH! and told me what a great job I was doing. I think we repeated that over 5-6 contractions, and then I got to see my Lillian's head emerging below - what an incredible feeling. They took her and cleaned her up, and let me hold her for the most amazing 15 or so seconds of my life. She was beautiful, with the sweetest little lips I had ever seen. I fell in love with her instantly, and it was heartbreaking to have to give her up. But, we had more business to attend to.

While I was falling in love, the doctors were locating Kate. Unfortunately, she must've seen her sister going down that narrow passagway and decided she wanted none of that. She didn't actually flip, but even more dastardly, she folded herself in half so that her head, hands, and feet were all right in the same spot. There was nothing to be done but a c-section.

They wheeled me next door to the OR, and pumped up my epidural. The section was a piece of cake. I didn't get to hold Kate, because one arm was in restraints, but Ryan did for about as long as I held Lillian. I got to look at her sweet little face, and fell for her just as I had her sister. She is beautiful. I was so exhausted after that I nearly fell asleep while they closed me back up! Spent about an hour in recovery, and they brought me up to my room. They left the epidural in and gave me a PCA pump, which was very helpful. I couldn't sit in a wheelchair that night, so I couldn't go the NICU, which was awful.

Ryan and my parents went to see the girls, and I was stuck just lying in bed with the phone and TV for distractions. That was the hardest part. Knowing that for 7 months I was everything to these babies, but now I couldn't even get out of bed to see then.

Having them in the NICU was amazing motivation to get moving and I had to force myself to recover more quickly than I thought was humanly possible. Lillian stayed 63 days in the NICU, coming home March 13, and Kate came home 2 days later. Kate came home with a nasal cannula and oxygen, which she finally ditched for good in late May.

You'd never know to look at them now how difficult their start was. They are both around 16 pounds and chubby chubby chubby! When we go out, people ask how old they are and when I give their actual age (as opposed to their adjusted age, which is how old they'd be if they were born on their due date) no one even bats an eye. I am incredibly grateful to everyone in the High Risk Antepartum Unit and the NICU at North Shore University Hospital. Without them, my life would be a well-rested tragedy, instead of the exhausting joy it is today.

I can't believe I am going to be this lame. I'm sure no one reads my blog anymore. I haven't posted in well over a year. I have a good reason.

 

Yes, they're mine. I got pregnant last July. We'd been trying for a while and all of a sudden we were pregnant with twins. Very unexpected! We'd been just about to talk fertility treatments when apparently my fertility kicked into highest gear.

They were due March 27th, 2006. I went into preterm labor December 27th and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks on every medication they have to stop labor. On January 10th it all stopped working and my beautiful girls were born 11 weeks early.

Lillian Claire (on the right) was 3 pounds, Kate Darcy was 2 pounds 13 ounces. Lilly stayed 63 days in the NICU and Kate stayed 65. They've been home 4 months and I am just starting to come back to reality a little bit. ;-) They are the most precious, wonderful, exhausting, beautiful, exciting, inspirational little people I've ever known.

I have to run now, but I'll post more soon and tell more of their story.

Wow! A closing date! Tuesday, March first, at 1pm. I am so excited it's finally going to happen!

I am also amused because I remember this MarchFirst and how we all made fun of the name when I worked at Scient. Both companies are now defunct, with MarchFirst barely squeezing out a year of business with that stupid-ass name. Ah, the good ole' days. Perhaps we'll build a memorial to that era in our new home.
;-)

Yeah, well, my prediction was totally wrong. Valentine's Day came and went without even setting a closing date. I'm so frustrated and totally tired of this. Every few days we get a new hopeful story, and then it goes to shit. We have scheduled our walk-through for tomorrow, thinking we'll close this coming week, but who knows if that's even possible? At least we'll get to see the place again.

I started my new job 2 weeks ago, and I like it. It's weird being the new girl, and weirder because I am new yet old, due to my freelance work there 3 years ago. I'm getting settled, getting busy, and happy with my decision.

Nothing to knit. Most of the yarn and all the books are packed up. Grrr.

Well, still no closing date on our house. Our sellers' deal was held up by their sellers' deal, and so on and so on. It's like LaGuardia airport on a Friday afternoon in July. Ugh. They are still holding out hope for next week, but the following week is more likely. My prediction: we will close on Valentine's Day. Just a guess.

In other news, I'm starting a new job on Monday! It's weird. When I moved to Brookyln, I started my current job, and now that I am moving out, I am starting a new one. I'm going back to doing consumer-targeted interactive advertising - websites, web ads, etc. I will be working for the agency I was freelancing at when I first discovered knitting blogs! I'm excited about it, and about getting out of the world of direct-to-professional pharmaceutical advertising. I'll still be doing a good deal of pharma work, but it'll be aimed at you, the consumer, not your doctor. I'll also get to do some other non-pharma work.

The new agency is owned by the same big holding company that owns my current agency, so I get to keep all my benefits and seniority, which is awesome. Top that off with a 14% raise, and it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

It'll be tough to leave my current agency, as I've been there over 2 years (a long time for me) and have made a lot of good friends there. But I know I am making the right decision.

Someday, when all this quiets down, maybe I'll oh, I don't know -- knit something?

Oh my goodness. I love this woman. The Bag Blog, indeed! And apparently, she knits, too!

Could I be any lamer? Probably not. I've been wanting to post for weeks, but just been too lazy or overwhelmed or whatever.

Anyway, what's happened since November? Um, not much knitting, sad to say. But that will change soon. Why? Because I'm about to get some train-knitting time in my life. Every day.

We bought a house! Or, we're buying a house. We're in contract and supposed to close the first week of February. Ho-lee-shit, right?! It's in western Suffolk county on Long Island, about 15-20 minutes' drive from my parents.

Wanna see it?

So, now we're looking at furniture, paint, and all sorts of good stuff. It's overwhelming and exciting! I'll try not to be such a sucky blogger in the coming days.

Well, I finished the lacy poncho and got to wear it to the wedding in Philly last weekend! Been running around too much to actually blog about it until now. I got Ryan to take a picture.



It might've been better to take a picture when I was wearing something solid-colored underneath, but you get what you get!

Well, looks like it's time to throw myself into work, knitting, and whatever else. Anything to stop thinking about politics. I hope the days ahead aren't as dark as I fear them to be.

I hope you went and voted today, whatever side you're on! John Kerry got my vote, and Ryan's, too.

"Luckily," I am too busy to think a lot about the election. Work is crazy and I am reduced to sitting at my desk and trying not to hyperventilate for a lot of the day. Ugh.

I finished my beautiful lacy poncho and will try and take a picture when I get home tonight. It looks fabulous with my pink corduroys. :-)

Yesterday was so wonderful - I didn't have to be anywhere for the first time in over a month! And it was a cruddy day so neither of us minded staying in most of the day. Thus, I finished the second side of lacy poncho! I wet-blocked at about midnight, so by the time I get home from North Carolina tomorrow (4pm!), I should be able to sew it up, pick up the neck stitches, and wear it on Tuesday! I am very excited!

I'm about halfway through with the re-knitting of side 2 of the lacy poncho. It looks much better so far. I suppose I could've tried blocking the othe side to fit the large side, as Kathy suggested, but I think it wouldn't have looked so good. The gauge was so loose that the lace didn't look as nice as when it was tighter. So, live, learn, frog and re-knit.

Work is keeping me busy and nearly at the end of my sanity. I've also been traveling too much, and it's not ending for another 2 weeks. In the past month and a half, I have been to Dallas and Chicago for work, Missouri for fun, Atlanta for work, Baltimore for work, and Ann Arbor for fun. Now I have to go to North Carolina for work on Monday morning, so I will fly in Sunday night and have dinner with a friend there, then it's Philly for a wedding the following weekend. The scary part is I was hoping that'd be it until Christmas (we're going to Miami to see Ryan's father and his sister and her husband this year) but I recently got a new client at work and may have to travel for them sometime between 11/15 and Thanksgiving.

Help meeee!!!

Shit.

I just finished the second side of the lacy poncho, and apparently my gauge loosened up considerably doing this side. It's a good 2" bigger all around. Of course, I didn't realize this until after I wove in the ends and laid it out to block.

ARGH!

I guess I have to wait for it to dry, frog the sucker and redo it. Grrrrr. Could this BE more annoying? I wanted to wear it next weekend in Michigan. The only glimmer of hope is that I have about 4.5 hours of Amtrak time on Tuesday, going to and from Baltimore. But this really really sucks.