Love in the morning

The girls were playing in their room, and I was here in my room putting some stuff away. Lilly comes in asking for a headband. Kate follows her in.

K - "Oh, I found out where you was leaving to."

L - "But I still love you."

(hugs and smiles)

K - "We was having a group hug. That's why we was getting married!"

and then they run off. They crack me up!

A successful feast

November_27_thanksgiving 003
Originally uploaded by betseeee

Well, Molly was right. The turkey wasn't hard at all! And it came out fantastic, even with my bizarre method. I was making this awesome roasted pumpkin with cheese "fondue" from Gourmet magazine, and that needed to be in the oven at the same time as the turkey. My Mom gave me her roaster oven to do the turkey, but I wanted to do Alton Brown's cooking method, which involved starting the turkey at 500 degrees for 30 minutes, then turning it down to 350 for the rest of the time. The roaster oven only goes up to 450.

So, I improvised. I stuck the turkey in the roasting pan from the roaster oven, and put that in the regular oven at 500. Preheated the roaster oven without the pan, and after 30 minutes just pulled the turkey out of the oven (well, I made Ryan do this, actually) and popped it into the roaster oven. Worked out beautifully. The turkey was delicious, as were all the sides. The pumpkin, as you can see, was gorgeous and decadent and yummy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I've been in the kitchen all week. My father-in-law and his wife will be in town, so we're hosting them and my parents here at Casa O'Girlie. I've got a whole world of food prepared, but I'm anxious about this stupid turkey. Oy, the turkey! Wish me luck. ;)

I wanna be a supermodel

Today's kind of a junky day. Kate's got a cold and is cranky as all get out. I'm trying to clean up the house and re-cover my dining room chairs because my mother-in-law is coming this weekend. And I'm trying to assemble a meatloaf that Ryan and I have been craving since seeing the recipe on Americas Test Kitchen this weekend. It's hard to do all the above with one or the other child doing their best impersonation of a limpet.

So, instead of adding to the whine, I'll share some pics from this past weekend's big event (which is probably where Katie picked up her current cold). The girls were models in our local March of Dimes chapter's Prematurity Awareness Fashion Show. They had so much fun! It was also a pretty moving event, and I think if they hadn't been so freaking hilarious and excited about it all, I would've had a lot of teary moments. But they were so crazy and giddy and happy that my focus was almost entirely on the present.

Lilly's in the pink dress, Katie's in the plaid.





When their turn on the runway was up (while they were out there, an emcee from the local news station read their preemie bio - written by Mom - and they showed a few NICU pictures on the screen next to the runway) Katie didn't want to leave. The emcee asked her if she wanted to stay up there, and she just said "OK!" and hung out for another minute before we could get her away.



After it was all over, they ran around and played with the other kids (all former preemies) on the dance floor. It was so fun to see them become instant friends with these little kids like that. In the past they haven't done that so much. Lilly showed off some of her favorite dance moves -- she is really into dancing these days!



And now she just climbed into my lap, so I think this post is over.

I'm glad I finally figured that out

It's not a well-kept secret that I enjoy shopping. I'm a girl, I'm Jewish, I was raised on Long Island - it's sort of my birthright, no? I enjoy the whole process, the looking at stuff, the trying to find something I love that looks good at a good price.

In the past couple of years, though, I haven't enjoyed it so much. I do like finding clothes for the girls, but when it comes to shopping for me, not so much. I've especially found I get tense and uncomfortable at the mall or at the outlet center - places I would always love to go in the past. I'll leave the girls with my parents or the babysitter, expecting to have this wonderful day of selfishness, and it doesn't materialize.

I'm fine for 20-30 minutes, but then I start feeling strange. Like I'm alone, naked, and vulnerable. Like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. Like it's wrong for me to be there when my girls aren't with me. I guess it's sort of like an anxiety attack. I end up not having much fun, only buying clothes for them, and hurrying out of there with this terrible feeling of guilt and doom that I can't understand.

It finally dawned on me a few days ago. I feel like I did when they were in the NICU. When everything was wrong, because my babies were in the hospital. I didn't go out much, but I did go to the mall once or twice and to the outlet center once (to buy clothes for them, of course). Maybe that was enough. But it's something of a relief to realize that this confusing reaction is probably related to PTSD.

It's also something of a disappointment, because I have been in therapy for this and really thought I was doing a lot better than that. I know I am in some ways, you don't have to point that out - I just really didn't realize I could have such a visceral reaction (I have had times when I've had to leave, heart pounding and about to cry, and I can't understand why) to an activity not directly related to the NICU. I would understand if this happened at the ped's office, or the lab, or even the drugstore. But the outlet mall? That was pretty much a dark horse in the PTSD-inducing race, don't you think?

Pleased and proud

And it has nothing to do with my kids for a change! I'm just so glad and impressed that enough people in this country were able to see past the color of a man's skin and elect him to the white house. Right up until the end I wasn't sure if it really could happen, and it makes me cry with joy and relief that it did.

The only blotch on the experience is that I seem to have at least one sick kid, probably two before the day is out. Lilly developed a fever last night and still has it this morning, and both had a restless night. I have a feeling Kate's temp will be up any minute. No other symptoms, just a fever. We were supposed to have a playdate with my library friends, including Rachel, who just had her second baby. Cancelled that almost as soon as I felt that hot forehead. :(

This is the thanks I get?

I spent a lot of time and effort cleaning things up yesterday. Seriously, my bedroom has been a mess since...well...hmm. It probably was semi-clean at some point during the girls' lives, but that was probably an illusion.

Anyway, it's not perfect now - the dresser is a little cluttered and there are some odds and ends that still need to be put away. Still, the big rubbermaid bins of clothes are no longer in the middle of the floor, the toys that remain in here are contained to one box, and generally the place looks like normal people live here.

Lilly wakes up and says "This floor is very clean!" and I think that's adorable. Yes, it is, Lilly, and we're going to keep it that way from now on.

About 20 minutes later, Kate surveys the place from her perch on the bed. She looks at me sadly and sweetly whines "I like it messy."

Well that sure was a long trip!

Did you think I'd been in Orlando this whole time, soaking up the sun and ordering room-service sushi? Yeah, I didn't think so.

The trip was OK. Kind of a bust. Got bumped from the swank hotel to the Residence Inn so instead of sushi I had to go down to the crappy bar and get a mediocre grouper sandwich and eat it in my room while watching the debate. Pffft!

But everyone survived. Ryan said the girls were just fine, and didn't cry much about me being gone. Oddly enough, tonight, when I mentioned that Grandpa Cesar (Ryan's Dad) lives in Florida, Lilly said "Just like you went to!" And then proceeded to tell me that she cried about me when I went to Florida and was very sad. She seemed in good spirits about the whole thing, so it doesn't seem any irreperable damage has taken place.

We had a very nice Hulaween. That's not a misspelling, as the picture proves.



They weren't really as grouchy as they look - it was very bright and the sun was right in their eyes. I think we may have overdone the Halloween events, though. Sunday the 26th was a costume party at Gymboree, then Wednesday we had a Halloween-ish-themed birthday party for some twins we're buddies with, Thursday was a costume party at the library (where this pic was taken) and by Trick-or-Treat on Friday, I was totally burnt out on the holiday! I think they might have been, too. They enjoyed the T-or-T but they were pretty quiet and got tired after maybe 10 houses. We do our T-or-T in my old neighborhood, with Grandma and Pop-pop, because they have sidewalks and it's more "neighborhoody" (plus they love it) so we went back to my parents' after that and that was that.

This weekend was recovery, house-cleaning, and general lack of excitement. I cleaned my bedroom and scrubbed my bathroom floor today. I can't tell you the last time that floor got scrubbed. Well, I could...but then I'd have to die of embarrassment.

How do they know?

I'm going away tomorrow. Only for one night. Maybe 32 hours from the time I leave my house until the time I return. It's my first business trip in over 3 years, and I'm both anxious and excited. I'm going down to Orlando for a meeting between the agency for which I do all my work-at-home freelance and another agency. I was very flattered to be asked to go, and I feel like it's a good idea for professional and personal reasons.

I haven't mentioned it to the girls yet, because they don't really have much of a grasp on time right now, and I'd rather not cause anxiety for longer than necessary. I'll tell them tomorrow and I think that'll be fine.

But somehow, they seem to know. Because tonight at bedtime they didn't want to listen to their usual bedtime CD of celtic lullabyes. They wanted me to sing to them. So I sang them their usual bedtime songs, For Baby, Duermete mi Nina, and Hele on to Kaua'i (I realize that last one is an odd choice - but for some reason it sprang out of my mouth one night when I was feeding them as tiny little infants, and it stuck). Then they made me sing Rocky Road, which is on Daddy's greatest hits list, and he usually sings a super-upbeat version. I sang it far more slowly. Then they were still awake but very quiet, so I pulled out My Favorite Things, and The Sound of Music.

After all that, they were soundly asleep, both smooshed up against me (I'm always in the middle at bedtime). They were so sweet, and so soft, and so snuggly, that of course I cried at the thought of leaving them.

I may feel differently around 3am when they roll on into my room screaming for whatever 2-year-olds are screaming for at 3am.

This music will feel you big happy

That's what I heard Kate say to Lilly tonight when Lilly had been crying over banging her finger or something like that. I nearly choked on my water. Is she translated from Japanese?

That random little moment made up for a day filled with tantrums over toys forgotten at home, fighting over Legos, crying "I want to get out of here. I want to go to someone's house!" and then refusing to get in the damn car to go to the mall, and even the hour-long bedtime struggle, including the impromptu (and probably true, given how little they ate today) "I need a snack" 20 minutes after the lights were out (I got them cheese sticks and they fell asleep shortly after finishing).

They drive me nuts sometimes. But mostly, they feel me big happy.

Leema, Lima, let's call the whole thing off

I'm eating a big bowl of fresh lima beans with butter and salt, courtesy of my Dad's garden. The girls didn't have much interest, and Ryan is working late, so they are mine, all mine! I saved the smaller, more-tender ones for last, and they've been swimming around in the butter, so I'm savoring them one-by-one, sans fork. I haven't been over to my parents' place to survey the garden lately, so I don't know whether more beans will be headed my way. I hope so.

Why do Americans pronounce the "i" in "Lima" like "eye" rather than like "ee" as in the city of Lima, for which the beans are named?

I think my city-based work has ended for a while, which is fine for now. The money is great, but it's exhausting to go in there 3 days a week, then come home and deal with the girls. No decompression time, as Ryan is rarely home by their bedtime. I think there will be more home-based freelance coming my way. I do some work for a creative director I met last summer when he was at a big agency, and now he's at a small shop that just won some more new business. He asked me to send my resume so the account team can put together a team deck, so I assume that means I'm intended to be part of the team. I'm happy to do it. He's a great guy, both in the professional and personal sense, and absolutely a pleasure to work with.

I think we need some girlie pictures in here, don't we? Yesterday we went to Adventureland, with my friend Leanne and her family. To say they had a good time would be a massive understatement.

Kate





Lilly







Mommy (with Kate) had a good time, too.

Working. A lot.

I've been doing a lot of work lately, for me. For the past few weeks, I've been in the city at my old agency job for 3 days (Tuesday, Thursday, Friday) and I've had conference calls for my work-at-home freelance stuff on Wednesday afternoons, plus assorted other stuff for that particular job in between at random times. It's been a bit rough! I'm appreciating the money, and the contact with my "old life" in the city, but I'm getting worn out.

Will try and come back and write more tomorrow. But other than being pooped out, things are fine.

Bless this mess?

Really, I could do without the blessings if someone would just come and clean the place up. I have a friend coming tomorrow for a short visit, and my sister-in-law and niece coming Tuesday and staying until Friday. No one who knows me expects housekeeping perfection, but still...

I'm just pooped out from having Ryan gone for 3 days at Siggraph in LA, doing some freelance work, and trying to keep up with everything in the girls' world. It's a cute world, but very exhausting.

My favorite moment of the week had to be on Friday afternoon. I was folding some laundry in my bedroom, and they were playing with some stuff on the floor. Katie looked at me and said "Seeya later Mom, we going to play!" and they both walked out of my room and into theirs. I am pretty sure flies were going in and out of my mouth, it was hanging open for so long. First of all, when did I become "Mom"? And since when do they tell me their plans? Since when do they have plans? Crazy! A little while later I poked my head in and found them sitting together on their bed, with about 20 books spread out around them. Damn camera was downstairs, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Not much variation on the theme

Sorry to be all preemie all the time lately. I don't know why, but sometimes the experience haunts me more than others.

Today I was in a local outlet-ish mall, and I saw a woman with a double snap'n'go, walking with a friend who had a single version. All 3 babies were peacefully asleep in their carseats, looking as angelic and wonderful and healthy as could be. I asked how old they were and the twin mom said hers were 5 weeks.

Five weeks. She was in the mall with her peacefully-sleeping twins at 5 weeks. Where was I at 5 weeks? We had just been moved out of nursery A" - the highest level of care. The girls had been co-bedded for about a week. They were both still on a pretty decent dose of oxygen via nasal cannula, and both had NG tubes. We were able to hold them, but we had to check with a nurse first, tangle with the monitors and the tubes, and endure the stares of the nurses when they felt the babies needed to go back into their isolettes.

They were awfully cute, though.



(That's Lilly yawning)



Still, seeing her threw me into a weird place. No matter how good life is and how healthy and delightful the girls are (and boy are they ever!) I'm never really going to fully get "over" this, am I?

Party of four and not one more

A very lame, yet overly dramatic (on my part) pregnancy scare has been put to bed. That's a relief. I don't even feel that twinge of regret that I have felt in the past (before we were even trying to have babies) when a scare like that has turned out to be false. I really just feel like my family is complete. Aside from the practical considerations (I'd probably have to go back to work, we'd have to move or add on to our house, I'm scared of having another preemie) I just really feel like our family is complete as it is. There are times when I think I want to be pregnant or have another baby, but that's not really true.

What I want is my twin pregnancy back. I want to know what it's like to be so big and pregnant that people stare at you in public and wonder aloud how many babies are in there, for pete's sake. I want to know what it's like to drive to the hospital, happy and excited to finally be in labor. To birth my babies, have them placed on my bare chest, and have them nurse. To hold my newborns and smile for photos. To take them both home together, no oxygen tanks, no monitors, no trauma under our belt. To only use a breast pump here and there, so I can get a little break from nursing, or go out on a date. To go out alone that first year without an overwhelming sense of guilt and anxiety and the need to rush back home.

A third baby isn't going to solve any of that.

Plus, I love my relationship with my girls. It just works. Although they have to share me, somehow it works out OK. It's weird sometimes, when I realize that genetically, they are more closely related to each other than they are to me. But I love being their Mommy, their go-to-girl, pretty much the center of their world. I love being able to observe the amazing interactions between them. It makes me ache to think about diluting any of that.

I'm sure some of that is normal, and some is not. How much comes from the trauma surrounding their birth, I don't know. How much of that will subside with time and more therapy, I have no idea. But tonight, I'm relieved to be just me, not +1.

It's been a nice, dry summer so far

So of course the morning I'm supposed to have my "library friends" (we all met during a 10-week play class for the kids) over, we had thunderstorms at 7am and it's still raining on and off. The plan was to play in the yard. I have a pretty small house and no dedicated playroom. And I'm a lousy housekeeper. I have until 10:15 to hope the yard dries out, or build an extension on my house and clean it all up nicely.

EDITED TO UPDATE:

Everything went fine. The rain stopped, the yard dried out enough for us to play back there. The kids had a great time, the moms had fun, and I even got a good nap out of the girls afterwards. Then we went to see my parents, who hadn't seen the girls in over a week - heaven forbid!

We had a nice time there, got in the car (all jammied and ready to sleep) just before 9. I pulled into my driveway after the 20ish-minute drive, and Lilly was just-asleep, while Kate was staring blankly. I decided to just go for it, since Kate was clearly relaxed enough to go right to sleep. You see where this is going, don't you?

I open Kate's door, figuring I'll bring her up, ask her to wait while I get Lilly, and then maybe sit with her for 5 minutes as she passes out. She looks at me through bleary eyes, then spits out her binky, gives me this face, and cackles loudly, waking up her sister, who says "Ooh! We are at my home!" and giggles maniacally.

I should've driven around the block a few more times, apparently. About 30 minutes later they were both happily asleep anyway.

Sleeping beauties

I was coming up to bed and just peeked in on the girls. Something about the way Lilly was laying reminded me her as a teeny tiny baby in the NICU. I don't know really what it was, but I just got such a powerful feeling of looking back at her in those days.

We spent a lot of time watching them sleep back then. They didn't do much else, other than drink milk, and back in the very earliest days they didn't even do that (they were fed by nasogastric tube for about the first month). I couldn't really bear to be anywhere else most of the time, so we sat there and watched them sleep. They were the most compelling little sleeping people I could ever have imagined.

They still are. I went back to take a picture, but in the 30 seconds I was out of the room, she moved and I missed the moment. It's OK - that and all the other sleeping moments are in my heart forever.

That's right, just throw the camera out now

Because really, can it get any cuter than this?

Haven't posted much lately because I'm so burnt. The babysitter, Janine, is awesome, but the girls won't take a normal nap when she's here, and that is causing havoc with their entire sleep "schedule." The late summer nights (like tonight) at the beach and various other venues probably aren't helping, either.

What it means for me is a lot of cranky afternoons for all of us, because they are tired but can't settle for a nap (or it's too late for one) and I didn't get 10 minutes to myself all freaking day. Nothing good can come of that, ya know?

But damn, when they are cute, they are cute!

It's getting hot in here

But not too hot, thank goodness. Today I am grateful to my husband for putting the air conditioner in the dining room window this past weekend. It's 93 degrees, and although weather.com says it's only 38% humidity, it sure doesn't feel like a dry heat.

We spent the morning at a local play place. We've been there twice before, and the college-aged girls who work there now recognize the girls right away and like to play with them. The place is awesome, and has this great climbing thing at one end, which gives you access to a big curvy slide and the treehouse. When we first got there (as usual) it was pretty packed with the bigger kids, and mine were too intimidated to really do much - Katie more so than Lilly, but still, both of them kind of hung back. After lunch, the place really clears out for naptime. Rather than deal with the tantrums, I always let them stay until 2pm when they kick everyone out, and that last hour is heaven for the girls. There were maybe 6 other kids left, so there was plenty of space for all.

We got out of there at 2:15 without much protest, and by 2:18 they were out cold in the car. Luckily, they have developed the ability to transfer from car to bed for naptime without waking up. All I have to do is climb up all 26 or so stairs between my driveway and their bedroom. Twice. Then go back and grab the bags, or the giant McD's sweet tea I couldn't resist on the way home. Then sit back and enjoy the air conditioning and hope for a nice long nap.

I'm not sure what the rest of the day will hold. I don't really even want to go play in the yard, it's so hot. Maybe I'll take them shoe shopping. I think their feet may actually have grown another size. I wonder if Stride Rite still has any sandals left? Every other store seems to think it's September. Grr.

Do they know it's (not) Christmastime?

Is it Christmas already?
Originally uploaded by betseeee

We decided to hit the kiddie pool this afternoon, as it was quite hot and humid. I got the girls in their bathing suits, and before we went outside, they decided they needed to have their Santa hats (which are in their toy bins always, because they love them so much.) They wore them for at least an hour before getting them wet. Aunt Beth, Bobby, and Sarah came over and were greatly amused by the unconventional headwear.

In other bright news, we had the exterminator back in on Monday and have only seen 3-4 fleas in the basement and garage since then. I think there's definitely light at the end of that tunnel.