What a great weekend

We really had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. The weather was basically perfect - warm, not-too-hot, bright sunshine, no rain. We had an early playdate on Saturday with the neighbors who live behind us. They have an almost-5-year-old daughter, and an almost-3-year-old son, and a 10-week old daughter. The kids are adorable, and the parents are super nice. Really super nice. Like, Ned Flanders nice. They brought sticky buns and used the phrase "yummers" when I said we had bagels and lox.

On Sunday we had a BBQ over here because my cousin Rachel was in town with her boyfriend, who none of us had met before. Her Mom came down from CT, and my parents came over, of course, too. I made yummy chicken wings and cedar-planked salmon, which everyone seemed to really enjoy. Actually, I really want more of those wings right now. Yum. The boyfriend is really a great guy and very personable. I hope they get married. The girls loved everyone and everything, doing all their "tricks" including a new one - blowing off their afternoon nap completely. Ack! Bedtime was early that night, but their sleep was very interrupted and today's nap was shortened, too. I hope the fallout does not continue tomorrow.

Today we laid low at home, other than lunch at the diner and a trip to the Home Despot. While the girls napped, I weeded my garden, put up a new little edging fence around it (the reason we went to the Despot in the first place), and planted tomatoes and peppers. I wasn't really sure I was going to do a garden this year, but my Dad (who starts his own veggie seeds) had a bunch of extra plants and offered them to me. I accepted, thus forcing the issue. I'm so glad I did. There's not much yummier (yummers-ier?) than fresh ripe tomatoes in the summer.

The only dim spot in the weekend was a situation with my next-door neighbor. She is a very nice, maybe not-so-bright single mother of a very bright, very manipulative, but also very personable almost-7-year-old who I'll call Jenny. We don't have fences in our neighborhood, and since we moved here 3 years ago, Jenny has always come across to our backyard and we've played with her. Ryan more so than me. As she's gotten older, her mom has given her a lot more freedom, and basically just lets her come outside and pretty much counts on me letting her play in our yard, and keeping an eye on her. Most of the time she doesn't even come out herself until it's time to call Jenny in for dinner.

I find this pretty frustrating. I have 2 kids to take care of already, and the thing is Jenny doesn't want to play with the girls. She spends a couple of minutes pushing them on the swing or whatever, but for the most part she wants me to play with her. I know she's very high-energy and her mom runs out of steam, but it's not really fair to constantly pawn her off on us. But then, I have never sent her home (successfully, at least) and when her mom has said "I hope Jenny's not bothering you" I've never said "Well yeah, she kinda is..." because who can say that without coming off as a bitch?

So on Saturday when everyone was here, Jenny saw us outside and came right over. Her mom said "Jenny, stay away from the kids - you have a fever."

OK, what? Your kid has a fever and you let her come over here to play with just a lame warning? I know I should've said something right there and sent her home, but I felt so uncomfortable with the confrontation, and I assumed that her Mom would come back out in 15-20 minutes or so and say come on home, you're sick, or something. She never did, and Jenny was at our house for the whole afternoon. Ryan told her she needed to go once, and my Mom told her twice. But she just lingered. Short of taking her by the arm and walking her home, there was no getting rid of her. I actually don't even know how she ended up out of here at the end of the day - she just eventually disappeared, as far as I know.

This afternoon, she showed up again. Her Mom came after her to remind her not to get too close to the girls because she's still sick. I looked at her Mom and said, pretty sarcastically, "Well, she was here all day yesterday..." and she smiles brightly and says "And the girls are OK?" At that point I was so pissed-off that I just said "That wasn't exactly my point. She was sick, she was here all day, and she was asked to leave several times." (I'm pretty sure Jenny wasn't paying attention to this conversation, but not certain) Her mom looked at me and said "Oh. That wasn't what I was told." and I said well, that's what happened, and she said "Well we're going to have to have a talk about that," looked towards Jenny, told her they had to go, walked away without saying goodbye and went in the house.

Ryan thinks I was absolutely in the right, but not very diplomatic, and now thinks that Jenny's Mom is pissed-off. I interpreted what she said as embarrassment - partly at her kid's behavior, and partly at her own negligence. Either way, I'm glad I said something, and this was really my only opportunity to do so, but I don't know where to proceed from here. I don't want her never to come over, but I can't be responsible for someone's high-needs kid (who isn't even really a playmate to my kids) for hours at a time, and even more so when I am having a family gathering, not to mention I don't want a sick kid hanging out with my kids for hours on end.

I wish we'd had the stupid confrontation yesterday, so it wasn't the last thing lingering from the weekend.

Thinking about acronyms

I was invited to and joined an industry group with a very intentionally amusing acronym as its name. For months they just existed as a group on LinkedIn.com but earleir this week they had a get-together at a hip bar in the city. I didn't go, and didn't think twice about it.

Today I got an email with a little photo recap from the event, and it made me feel strange. I saw a bunch of people I used to work with and really used to enjoy hanging out with at work, in bars, wherever. And it made me miss that life a little bit.

Not enough to want to go back to work full time, but enough to make me want to go to the next party, and to get out a bit more, try and find some balance in my life. I don't know if that last bit is actually possible. But I think I can manage to find someone in addition to my parents to watch my kids so next time I don't have to either sit this one out, or beg my parents for a nighttime favor.

My belated Mother's Day

Well, we got a swingset and it almost immediately started raining. Sorry, fellow NYers - it's our fault.

I realized I never got around to recapping my fabulous solo Saturday. First off, the mailman brought my beautiful bracelet, which I absolutely love.

Then I was off to the mall, to try and spend my Banana Republic gift certificate left from Chrismukah. First I stopped off at Starbucks and got an iced caramel latte and a tarragon chicken sandwich. I sat and ate in absolute peace right in the middle of the mall.

That might not sound noteworthy, but if you have toddler twins (or infant twins, or any age twins that are still riding in a stroller while you shop) there is no such thing as peace. First there's the not-peace that exists as a natural offshoot of having two small children with you. Then there's the not-peace that comes from all the people who come over to admire your twins and ask you questions about them. I won't get into all the specific questions, but "are they twins?" is the opener, and from there we delve into birth methods, birthweights, personality differences, opinions on whether I should dress them alike/put them in the same class, and usually a detour into the cousin's friend's sister-in-law who had preemie twins and they turned out great, too.

It makes it sort of hard to just relax and enjoy a snack and a drink. But being there alone, I was totally anonymous. No one paid me any attention, and I felt so free! I found a shirt and some jeans at BR, failed to find a bra at Victoria's Secret, and went on my merry way to the car wash. I had Ryan's car and felt like I wanted to do something kind for him, so I got it washed while I was out. Aren't I just so nice?

The centerpiece of the day was a manicure and pedicure. Sitting there for an hour with no one climbing on me was lovely, and it really felt nice to treat myself a little bit. I was seated next to an older mom whose younger child had just gone to his senior prom the night before, so it was fun to compare notes on the different stages of motherhood we're at.

Post-mani/pedi I went to TJ Maxx and found a black belt to replace an old one which was too narrow for today's styles, and a cheap-but-functional armband for my nano. (I'm hoping that motivates me to start running again.)

I hit Trader Joe's for some groceries, and then met the girls and Ryan at home and headed out for sushi. The ladies were almost-perfect at dinner, and I really thought to myself what a perfect day it was.

Then 5 minutes before bedtime, Lilly found a tube of 1% hydrocortisone (used for her occasional eczema) that I had probably left too close to the edge of her dresser and bit into it. Ryan lunged at her to scrape the cream out of her mouth, scared the crap out of her, and she got completely hysterical. I took her to my room so I could get the phone and call Poison Control to see if we needed to do anything* (even though we were both pretty sure she had ingested a minute amount, if anything). Then she stopped crying. And barfed edamame, noodles, rice, and salad (and not a single visible trace of hydrocortisone cream) all over me.

Maybe just-slightly-less-than perfect.

Anyone into swinging?

It's here!

None of these are really great photos, but we really didn't get to play long outside. It was unseasonably chilly today, and the girls and their friends Bobby and Sarah who were over actually wanted to go inside. The moms agreed. But boy did they enjoy it while they were out there! I'm really annoyed that tomorrow is supposed to be cloudy, chilly, and rainy in the afternoon. How am I supposed to keep them inside now that this thing is out there?!

I think the whole swingset adventure put them in a better mood than usual tonight. They were adorable in the tub, and afterwards. I wrapped them up together in a big towel, and they were all snuggly and warm and started hugging and kissing. Lilly told Katie "You are my best fwiend, Katie." And Katie took a cue from this song we listen to a lot in the car, looked her sister in the eye, and said "No one can take me away from you, Lilly."

I almost had to explain the idea of crying when you're happy to them. And then they were off and running, so I got to cry a few happy tears in private.

Mother's Day Redux

Since last Sunday was not quite to my liking (to understate the facts) Ryan offered me a do-over today. I got to sort-of sleep in (well, I got to go back to sleep after being awakened at 5 and 7 by my children) and I'm going to go out for a pedicure, some shopping, and who knows what else for the afternoon. I'm very excited.

I don't often get to do this on the weekends, because we're always trying to have family time. But if I don't get some me time, the family time just isn't going to be very fun. I do sometimes get out alone when the girls are at my parents, but it's never enough time, it often involves some frustrating logistics (dropping them off, picking them up, or generally trying to figure out how to get them a nap since they won't sleep at Grandma and Pop-pop's house). It's so nice to be able to just leave them at my own house, with their own father, and let him deal with the logistics for an afternoon.

In other news, I am almost excited for the weekend to end, because on Monday, Wood Kingdom is delivering a (not-wood) swingset for the girls! I can hardly wait. We were looking at a small Step2 set, but then Grandma stepped in and upgraded us to the big honkin' Naturally Playful Adventure Lodge with Glider.

This is fantastic news. We do not have fences around our yard, and our next-door neighbor Emma (who is in first grade) has a big wooden swingset and a playhouse that the girls love. But they don't understand that they can only play on it when Emma is home, and that leads to a lot of conflict and chasing when we are outside, as you might imagine. I think this set will more than satisfy their swingy, climby, slidey, playhousey desires.

I saw this place for the first time today and the name really caught my eye. The girls were asleep in the back so I stopped to take a picture. I was even more amused when I noticed the direction on the door. It's like a test before you've even enrolled!

I assume the subjects in question here are canine, but the idea of them being human really tickles me, and seems apropos in light of my last post.

Happy Mother's Day?

I guess you can say "I don't need a fancy gift, the card and the thought behind it are what matters most" 'til your blue in the face, but your message may or may not get through to its recipient. Mine sure did not. No card or gifts from my husband or kids. The kids have an excuse - they don't drive and the only money they have is the change they swipe whenever they manage to climb into the front seat of my (parked) car. The husband has no such mitigating factor, ergo, he did not fare so well today.

I did get him to vacuum my car and promise to buy me the bracelet I want. I may get some new running shoes out of the deal, too. Still, I'd have preferred to avoid the conflict and just have had him buy the stupid cards. Or make the stupid cards. He's a freaking visual artist. He could've sent me a jpeg and at least it would have demonstrated some effort.

Oh well. We went to lunch with my parents and the girls had a good time. Here's an underexposed, but still cute shot of me and Lilly.

Kate looking like she's at a board meeting.

Lilly, demonstrating her mastery of the cheezy grin.

The upside is my birthay is in 3 weeks, and he's never been known to screw up 2 in a row.

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

It's pouring today, after a solid week of beautiful weather. Oh well. We trudged out to Gymboree this morning and had some lunch afterwards at the wrap place in the same shopping center. Lunch wasn't my idea - I was all set to come home. But we often eat at the wrap place with Daddy, so they just sort of dragged me there and I went along for the ride (and paid).

Speaking of ideas, yesterday Lilly woke up and said to me "I have a good idea!" I asked her what her idea was and she said "We go to aquarium, we go to gymboree, we go to pizza place. That a good idea!" I agreed with her that it was a great idea and we would do all of that another day. "Another day" is a big concept here. Anytime we pass a playground or mention something fun, someone pipes up with "I want to go there/do that/see them another day!" I wonder if they really understand that concept or not? There are variations - sometimes it's "...next week," or my personal favorite "...in 2 minutes."

Right now the little angels are sleeping and I am dragging my feet about cleaning up my house. Not my whole house - that is an impossible dream right now. The whole place got even messier than its usual baseline messiness because I've been working a few days a week for a few weeks. But I have a friend coming tomorrow to visit, so I at least have to make the livingroom, dining room, and kitchen (the rooms you can't avoid seeing when you come in) presentable. I'm waiting for the giant iced coffee I just slurped to kick in.

I'm also dragging my feet about calling a babysitter. My therapist actually recommended this person, and I have had her number for months. I don't know why I can't manage to pick up the phone and call. I start getting bogged down in the logistics of when I want to ask her to come, what I'll do with the time, whether I would ever be able to let her put the girls down for a nap (would they let her, is the real question) and then I procrastinate calling. It's ludicrous, because having somoene even just a few hours a week would help me get a lot more done and reduce my stress level, making me much more pleasant to be around, I'm sure.

ABCDEFun!

I meant to post this last night, but didn't have a chance. The girls almost have the alphabet song down pat. Pretty good for just shy of 28 months, I think. They are tremendous camera hams these days - they seem to like to try and steal the spotlight from one another. My favorite part of this one comes at around 2:21, when Lilly goes hopping through the frame.

The UFO in my closet

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to knit my baby a blanket. When I found out it was twins, two blankets. When I found out I was going to be placed on modified bedrest at 25 weeks as a precaution, I saw my big opportunity. I wanted to make these pretty blankets with their initials on them. They might be from Simple Knits for Cherished Babies or they might be from another book. If I take the time to look now, I probably won't get to finish this post before the Cherished Toddlers wake up.

Since my sister-in-law was also pregnant and due the same week as I was, I decided to make 3 blankets. One purple, one pink, one yellow. We decided quite randomly that the purple one would be for Kate, pink for Lilly. Not that we had told anyone the names we were using at that point, so I would have to knit in secret. Pretty simple. I was so excited about the blankets, because I knew my girls could use them for their dolls later on and would always have them.

When I went into the hospital at 27 weeks, the yarn had just arrived--All Seasons Cotton ordered from Colourway in the UK. Once I was off mag sulfate and had no more IVs, I had Ryan bring all the necessary stuff to the hospital, where I knitted as much as I could manage. I can't recall exactly what day I started, but it had to have been at least day 5 or 6, and I ended up giving birth on Day 14.

I knitted some in the NICU after they were born, but it was so hard to focus, even on the practice that had brought me so much peace and happiness over the years. The only time I could sit still other than holding my babies was when I was pumping. When I was home and pumping, I spent most of my time online, but when I was at the NICU, I pumped and knitted.

I made it a little more than 2/3 of the way through Kate's blanket, which is rather fitting I suppose, since that's about how far I made it through the pregnancy. Then my little lovies came home, and craziness ensued. We also received about 30 baby blankets as gifts. The little K blanket got stuck in the back of my closet, where it remained until this morning, when it took a trip out onto my back porch for a photo or two.

So, now I am trying to figure out what to do with it. And with the 8 or 10 (I can't remember) balls of pink I bought as its companion. I don't know if I can bring myself to finish it, but I know I can't bring myself to frog it, either. What's a mommy to do?

My heart is hurting tonight for Ahuva. And I'm being interrupted and can't type more.

Being Mommy is hard some days. I have children's songs running through my brain and can't get them out. These two statements are related, but not necessarily directly.

I'm too grumpy to post any more. Seeya tomorrow.

And the #1 reason you know your two-year-old is sick? She looks at you imploringly at 7:45 p.m. and whines "I just want to go to sleep, Mommy."

Poor Lilly. Poor Kate, too, but she's not taking it quite as hard as her sister. It's "just" a cold, but they're also running fevers with it and feeling pretty junky and cranky. Yuk. And I am feeling like a bad Mommy right now because I didn't start Kate on her meds yet - I guess I was in denial that she really had a cold.

Officially, Kate has a diagnosis of bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD, which is used interchangeably with chronic lung disease - CLD - so you can choose your weapon here). This is partly because of her prematurity, and partly because of the time she spent on the ventilator after her birth. On a day-to-day level, this doesn't affect her functioning one bit. But it makes her more vulnerable to breathing problems when she gets sick. So far, she's only had one cold that got her wheezing, back in October, and she had pneumonia over Christmas. But in 2 years, we've only been to the ER once (October) and she hasn't been hospitalized at all - that's pretty damn good.

Anyway, when she gets a cold I am supposed to start her on either albuterol and Pulmicort via nebulizer, or albuterol and Flovent via aerochamber (an attachment that goes on a regular inhaler to make it effective for little kids). She was just runny all day, not coughing, so I kept putting it off and thinking she was going to be OK. So of course she starting coughing at bedtime, when it was pretty much too late to do it.

I guess if she gets worse, I can sneak in with the nebulizer, hope it doesn't wake her, and give her a treatment in her sleep. Otherwise I'll just go ahead in the morning, unless she's miraculously cured.

Nobody ever warned me that I could be more tired at 27 months than I was with two newborns. So I'm warning you!

The girls started getting stuffy/runny noses yesterday (right in the middle of a playdate - great!) and by nighttime they were cranky and definitely having trouble breathing through their noses. This means that if they have a binky in their mouth while they are sleeping, they are going to wake up unable to breathe and cry. Over and over and over and over and over again.

There were a total of 4 wakeups during last night's episode of "Lost." I gave up counting after that, but I know I finally fell asleep for the first time at 1:30, and was back up sometime during the 2, 3, and 4 o'clock hours, ending up with everyone in our bed.

The only moment of levity was at some point when Lilly asked for water, and I couldn't find the sippy cup that I usually keep at my bedside. Somehow she just let it go, and a few minutes later, Ryan rolled over and I heard a "clunk" which was clearly a sippy cup hitting the floor. I said very quietly to myself "Ah, there's that sippy cup" and Lilly (who I thought had gone back to sleep) laughed out loud and said "That funny, mama!"

It wouldn't be so bad except I am at a freelance gig today, staring at a screen, waiting for client comments to a project so I can actually do some work. It's really really hard to stay awake at this point, and it's tempting to just give up a couple hundred bucks so I can go take a nap while the kids are with my parents.

I'm supposed to be working right now. The girls are with Grandma and Pop-pop, and I have a lot to do. But I just got these pics from our aquarium/ice cream day, and I can't resist.

Me and Katie




Me and Lilly



Four happy kids, about to get messy.



Sophie sharing her cone with Lilly.



Katie sharing a laugh with Sebastian.

Katie's blissful mess.

Right around the girls' second birthday, they apparently decided to stop liking their cribs. They have never been great nappers or nighttime sleepers, but putting them down for a nap or bedtime was always very easy. Maybe 1 night a month I would try to put them to bed too early and they would cry, but otherwise they'd kiss me, lie down, and go to sleep. I knew I had trouble when that stopped working, and putting them into their cribs became very much like trying to put a cat in a tub of water.

We had a thick tempurpedic mattress pad that used to be on our bed, so we put that on the floor in their room, and they slept on it much more happily than they did in their cribs. About a month ago it was obvious that we weren't going back to the cribs, so we took the plunge. Ryan and I bought a king size bed for ourselves, and gave the girls our queen.

Things are a lot better. The only problem is now they won't go to sleep on their own - I have to be in the room. And I have to lie down between them. And it has to be me. They will pretend to let Daddy put them to bed, but when the lights go out, they scream for Mommymommymommy.

Most of the time I am OK with this. It takes 5-10 minutes for naps, 10-25 minutes for bedtime, usually. Sometimes I find it incredibly frustrating (mostly if they are hyper and can't calm down, so I am in there too long) and I have to work really really hard not to become mean Mommy.

Sometimes, though, the simple act of putting them down for a nap becomes pure bliss. I don't know why, but today everything was perfect. Lilly said she wanted to snuggle, so she rolled onto her belly and flung her arm around my neck. Katie just wanted to lie on her back with her hand on my arm. I could tell Lilly was asleep halfway through the 2nd song on their lullabye CD (a beautiful Celtic compilation, by the way, given to us by Karen and her son Neil William).

I turned to look at Katie, and her eyes were flickering up and down, and I could see she was looking at the picture on the wall in front of the bed. (It's a picture I drew in elementary school, of a cat, and my Mom gave it to me right before I got pregnant, so now it's framed in their room.) I watched her eyes open and close a few times, and she didn't notice me at all, so I continued to gaze as her eyelids gently closed for real, and she relaxed into sleep.

And then I lay there for another 5 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably. They are so beautiful, so precious, and I am so lucky to have them healthy and alive and lively as they are. The moments when that realization hits me are some of the most perfect I've ever experienced.

What a Monday. It just felt like a Monday all day long. Emphasis on the "long" part.

We did a lot of fun stuff this weekend, and the girls didn't get a lot of naps in. Yesterday was the March for Babies (we raised $2080!) in the rain, then the Children's Museum, and they really only slept in the car. So this morning they somehow slept until 9:15 (not straight through, of course - if you know my girls you'll be unsurprised that I was up at least 4x overnight with them, which I will admit is far more than I have been most nights lately). That messed with their circadian rhythm, I guess, because they were tired, but not sleepy during their usual naptime of 1pm-ish.

I ended up throwing them in the car at 2:15 and they fell asleep in about 10 minutes. I went to the drive-through Starbucks and got a latte, then headed back home because I needed a quick pit stop. I left them sleeping in the car (not running!) inside the garage with the door closed. They woke up in about 10 minutes, for a total of maybe 30 minutes' nap. There was enough time to go to Gymboree play gym at 3pm, so I headed over there. They were all excited, and tragedy struck - darkness in the gym and a sign on the door informing me that play gym is now at 1:45pm. Nooo!

Luckily, I had noticed there was a 4pm class we could attend at a Gymboree a little further away, which just opened. So I psyched them up for that, and my little loves totally went with the flow. The class was really crowded, but they had a good enough time. Did a little shopping afterwards (the gym is in a mall with a bunch of kids' outlet stores) and gave them pizza at the food court. Then we came home, got jammied up, took some cute video of them being silly in their room (I'm too tired now to download and edit), and they were asleep only a little later than normal, by 8:45-9ish.

Now that I read all that, why did it feel like such a junky day? Cramps, nausea, headache - they really do mess with your whole outlook, don't they?

I don't have anything much to say. But I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging regularly, not just when I buy a house, have some kids, or need donations to a cause.

Took the girls to our local aquarium today with Leanne and her 2 kids. It was crowded. Very very crowded. I think even the kids (ranging from 18months to 3.5 years, mine in the middle) were bothered by the crowd because all 4 of them spent way more time in the stroller than I have ever seen. Leanne had her sit and stand stroller, I had my double side-by-side, and the kids swapped in and out. After we had a not-very-relaxing lunch al fresco, I suggested we bail and go down the road to a cute little ice cream place. On the way out the door, I had Sebastian and Kate, and Leanne had Lilly and Sophie in her stroller, so that's how we drove to the ice cream place (with Lilly and Sebastian's consent to the switch). It was so fun to listen to Kate chat with her friend in the back seat on the way there.

K: "We going to have ice cream!"
S: "I'm going to have chocolate ice cream."
K: "I going to have chocolate too!"
S: "I am going to have chocolate with chocolate chips."
K: "I going to have chippies, too."

*giggling*

I didn't have a camera because Ryan brought it into work today, but Leanne got some cute pics of me with the girls, and some nice shots of all 4 of them sitting on a bench, messily eating ice cream. The former are very rare photos these days. I hope I get to see them this decade. It's amazing how few pictures I have of me and my children. Between my husband who would rather play than shoot (understandable, but frustrating) and my friends who shoot but don't know how to download and post, it's rather pathetic! I end up feeling like an idiot, begging people to take pictures of me with my kids, which just doesn't end up feeling natural, ya know?

As we did last year (and will every year as long as I am physically able - which I expect will be a long time) my family and some friends are participating in the March of Dimes March for Babies. It used to be called WalkAmerica, but they finally changed it to something a little more telegraphic.

Since giving birth to my girls so premature, there's nothing I want more than to prevent them and anyone else from experiencing the heartache of a premature birth and NICU stay. We are forever indebted to the March of Dimes for funding so much of the research that helped created the NICU which saved our babies' lives. But there is so much more work to be done in preventing premature birth in the first place.

If you want to support Team O'Girlie, you can visit our team page.

If you need further convincing, watch the video.

Oh crap. When I changed my template, of course I lost all my old comments. Aaaaagh!

And she's back. Just like that.

I've toyed for months with the idea of blogging again. But I couldn't decide how to go about it. I didn't really want to start a new blog, and abandon everything here, even though this was primarily (and certainly by title) a blog about knitting, something I haven't touched in nearly 2 years. But I felt funny coming back here after so much time. I have even had the passing anxiety about who's going to find this blog now. I use this screenname on a few message boards, and as always happens, there are a few people there who don't like me. Do I really want them finding me here?

I still don't know the "right" answer to any of the above, but I decided what the hell, I'll just start posting again. I need the outlet, and maybe this will help reconnect me to the person I was before I became a mother. Anything that furthers that goal is probably a good idea at this point. I'm actually at a freelance job in the city right now, which seems a fitting place to start bloggign again, because it was on a slow day at another freelance job that I started this whole thing in the first place.

I don't really know what I am going to talk about here. Twins. Motherhood. Writing. Photography (a recently-rekindled interest). PTSD. All of these are part of my life, in varying degrees and not necessarily in order.

The easiest thing to talk about is Twins. My girls are doing wonderfully. We celebrated their 2nd birthday a few weeks ago, and they could not be more amazing. They had their follow-up appointment at the high-risk infant clinic (all the NICU grads go there until at least age 3) last week, and to say they did well is a major understatement. Their verbal skills are generally at the 3-year level, and above.

I don't know why it would surprise me that my girls are highly verbal at such an early age (other than the fact that twins and premature babies commonly have language delays.) I was an early talker and reader, as was my brother. And I talk to them all the livelong day. But still, I did not expect to have 2-year-olds who can count as high as 12, know most of their colors and shapes, talk in 5-6 word sentences, and say "please" and "thank you" at least 50% of the time.

To say I am blown away barely scratches the surface. We are extremely fortunate.

Wow! People still sometimes read my blog! I'm utterly stunned. And thrilled! I've missed blogging, though I've filled the void with multiple pregnancy-and-mommy-oriented message boards. I kept saying I'd start a baby blog, but I never got to it.

The back story on Lilly and Kate is that I found out I was pregnant July 15th last year. It had been taking a while, so we had been seeing a fertility specialist, and were just starting to talk about taking Clomid. I was terrified of doing that and having multiples. Then I got pregnant on my own and was so relieved. Then at 7 weeks 4 days into my pregnancy, this is what we saw on the ultrasound.

I was completely petrified, and Ryan turned to me and said "This is going to be great!" and said it with such enthusiasm that I had to believe him!

I had all-day-and-particularly-evening sickness until about 15 weeks. I got big fast. At 19 weeks we took a trip out to Hawaii to see Ryan's sister and her husband, who happened to get pregnant the same time we did. Her due date (3/23) was 4 days before mine. We had a great trip! It seems a million years ago, now. Here's me in all my pregnant glory on the beach at Hanauma Bay.























At 24 weeks, a few weeks before Christmas, my doctor had me stop working and go on modified bedrest as a precautionary measure. Preterm labor is very common with twins, so he was doing everything he could to prevent it. The day after Christmas I realized I was having contractions. They were regular for a while, but then they stopped, so my doctor told me to come in the next day. I felt great that day. So good I let Ryan stay at home because he was working on a deadline. Up until that point he had been at every appointment with me.

When I got to the doctor, I felt fine for woman carrying 27-week twins. I had one contraction when I stood up in his office, but I wasn't worried. He did a fetal fibronectin test and internal exam, my cervix is closed. Then he does the transvaginal sonogram and my previously "long and closed" 3.5 cm cervix is down to 1.3 cm. Do not pass go, do not pick up husband, go staight to Labor & Delivery, he will call ahead and be there later.

They admitted me and put me on terbutaline, and put all the monitors on - 1 for contractions, 1 baby a, 1 for baby b. I was covered in monitors. I got 3 doses of injected terb, followed by oral every 4 hours. I started breaking through with contractions before 4 hours was up, so they went to 3 hours. That seemed to work. Kept the monitors on all night, etc. Nothing exciting recorded. Next day they sent me down for a sono with the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist, and although the babies looked awesome (2 lb 9 and 2 lbs 13 were the estimates) I was now 70% effaced, fingertip-1cm dilated. Within an hour I was in an ambulance, lights and sirens, on my way to North Shore University Hospital, because they have a better NICU in case my babies were going to be born.

There, they went through all the drugs. Indocin and terbutaline at first didn't do it. Magnesium sulfate stopped everything for several days, but is toxic enough that they took me off that and tried a terbutaline pump. That made my heart rate way too fast, so they had to take me off. Then I went on nifedipine, which lowered my blood pressure like crazy, but it stayed just high enough to be safe. It wasn't as effective though. After 2 weeks, everything failed and at 2:30 in the morning (Tuesday morning), I woke up out of a sound sleep. I felt kind of funny "down there" and thought maybe my water had broken so I called the nurse immediately. It turned out I was bleeding, and I totally freaked out thinking I had a placental abruption or something, but she said that would be really painful and this as not. I had to try really hard not to panic. She called for the resident to come in, and in the meantime tried to keep me calm.

The resident came in, checked my cervix and said I was now at 3cm (before I was 1-2) and that the blood was probably bloody show. I called Ryan and told him to get up and get here, because it looked like we'd hit our expiration date. They took me down to labor and delivery again, put all the monitors on, and I was contracting every 1-2 minutes. Some of them I felt really strongly (and painfully) and some I didn't even notice. In came the bag of magnesium sulfate, which I didn't try to fight because I knew it was my only hope of not having babies that day.

The mag slowed down the contractions considerably. They got as far as 20 minutes apart, though each one was quite painful. Around 11 they brought me down to maternal-fetal medicine and the doctor who usually does my Level IIs did a biophysical profile. He was very concerned when he saw how low Baby A (who became Lilly) was and asked when I had last had my cervix checked. I told him 3am and he said OK, he was going to call up and make sure someone checked my cervix when I got back to L&D. While we were waiting for the perinatalogist, I told Ryan I thought this was it. He was still in denial. At some point he was like "Yeah, I'm so tired...I'll probably go home in a little while when they bring you back to your room." I somehow knew that wouldn't happen. The contractions started coming closer together and were really really painful - enough that I couldn't really talk through them anymore.

I watched the doctor's face while she checked my cervix, and I saw her eyes get big. I was 6 cm, 100% effaced, and Baby A's membranes were bulging. That was it, she told us there was no way to stop it at this point, so we would stop the magnesium and have babies today. She reminded us how we had gotten two more weeks out of them and told me she highly recommended an epidural because both twins were head down and they were going to let me try vaginally (very important to me and that made me feel a lot better), but if I needed a c-section, having the epi on board already would save valuable time. I was all for it, and I could not believe the change in my personality outlook after I got the epi. I suddenly realized I had been in some level of pain for a looooong time.

At that point, we called my parents, and invited them to come sit with us and wait for my water to break. They were allowed to hang in the delivery room until that point. Once we had time to get over the initial shock and fear, we started to get excited to meet our girls and to have the PTL ordeal over with, even knowing that this early birth had so many dangers. My parents were really great and supportive, and it was surprisingly nice to have them there. I was super-sleepy and drifted off a few times while they all chattered, which was fine.

Mostly we sat and watched the monitor to see how close the contractions were. They got to 3 minutes and incredibly regular, and the doc sent my parents out so she could check me. 10 cm, ready to rumble. Mom and Dad came in to kiss me good luck, and suddenly the medical parade began! Our quiet little room was invaded by neonatalogists, neonatal nurses, anesthesiologists, pediatricians oh my! I think there were a dozen of those people, plus the attending perinatalogist, my L&D nurse, and the two resident physicians who did most of the work.
They broke the first bag of water, which felt kind of cool - like a little internal "poink." The contractions started coming closer together, and it was time to push. They told me to push like I was constipated. LOL! With each contraction, they had me push 3 times. They were awesome, because they didn't count or anything - they just said OK...PUSH! and told me what a great job I was doing. I think we repeated that over 5-6 contractions, and then I got to see my Lillian's head emerging below - what an incredible feeling. They took her and cleaned her up, and let me hold her for the most amazing 15 or so seconds of my life. She was beautiful, with the sweetest little lips I had ever seen. I fell in love with her instantly, and it was heartbreaking to have to give her up. But, we had more business to attend to.

While I was falling in love, the doctors were locating Kate. Unfortunately, she must've seen her sister going down that narrow passagway and decided she wanted none of that. She didn't actually flip, but even more dastardly, she folded herself in half so that her head, hands, and feet were all right in the same spot. There was nothing to be done but a c-section.

They wheeled me next door to the OR, and pumped up my epidural. The section was a piece of cake. I didn't get to hold Kate, because one arm was in restraints, but Ryan did for about as long as I held Lillian. I got to look at her sweet little face, and fell for her just as I had her sister. She is beautiful. I was so exhausted after that I nearly fell asleep while they closed me back up! Spent about an hour in recovery, and they brought me up to my room. They left the epidural in and gave me a PCA pump, which was very helpful. I couldn't sit in a wheelchair that night, so I couldn't go the NICU, which was awful.

Ryan and my parents went to see the girls, and I was stuck just lying in bed with the phone and TV for distractions. That was the hardest part. Knowing that for 7 months I was everything to these babies, but now I couldn't even get out of bed to see then.

Having them in the NICU was amazing motivation to get moving and I had to force myself to recover more quickly than I thought was humanly possible. Lillian stayed 63 days in the NICU, coming home March 13, and Kate came home 2 days later. Kate came home with a nasal cannula and oxygen, which she finally ditched for good in late May.

You'd never know to look at them now how difficult their start was. They are both around 16 pounds and chubby chubby chubby! When we go out, people ask how old they are and when I give their actual age (as opposed to their adjusted age, which is how old they'd be if they were born on their due date) no one even bats an eye. I am incredibly grateful to everyone in the High Risk Antepartum Unit and the NICU at North Shore University Hospital. Without them, my life would be a well-rested tragedy, instead of the exhausting joy it is today.

I can't believe I am going to be this lame. I'm sure no one reads my blog anymore. I haven't posted in well over a year. I have a good reason.

 

Yes, they're mine. I got pregnant last July. We'd been trying for a while and all of a sudden we were pregnant with twins. Very unexpected! We'd been just about to talk fertility treatments when apparently my fertility kicked into highest gear.

They were due March 27th, 2006. I went into preterm labor December 27th and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks on every medication they have to stop labor. On January 10th it all stopped working and my beautiful girls were born 11 weeks early.

Lillian Claire (on the right) was 3 pounds, Kate Darcy was 2 pounds 13 ounces. Lilly stayed 63 days in the NICU and Kate stayed 65. They've been home 4 months and I am just starting to come back to reality a little bit. ;-) They are the most precious, wonderful, exhausting, beautiful, exciting, inspirational little people I've ever known.

I have to run now, but I'll post more soon and tell more of their story.

Wow! A closing date! Tuesday, March first, at 1pm. I am so excited it's finally going to happen!

I am also amused because I remember this MarchFirst and how we all made fun of the name when I worked at Scient. Both companies are now defunct, with MarchFirst barely squeezing out a year of business with that stupid-ass name. Ah, the good ole' days. Perhaps we'll build a memorial to that era in our new home.
;-)

Yeah, well, my prediction was totally wrong. Valentine's Day came and went without even setting a closing date. I'm so frustrated and totally tired of this. Every few days we get a new hopeful story, and then it goes to shit. We have scheduled our walk-through for tomorrow, thinking we'll close this coming week, but who knows if that's even possible? At least we'll get to see the place again.

I started my new job 2 weeks ago, and I like it. It's weird being the new girl, and weirder because I am new yet old, due to my freelance work there 3 years ago. I'm getting settled, getting busy, and happy with my decision.

Nothing to knit. Most of the yarn and all the books are packed up. Grrr.

Well, still no closing date on our house. Our sellers' deal was held up by their sellers' deal, and so on and so on. It's like LaGuardia airport on a Friday afternoon in July. Ugh. They are still holding out hope for next week, but the following week is more likely. My prediction: we will close on Valentine's Day. Just a guess.

In other news, I'm starting a new job on Monday! It's weird. When I moved to Brookyln, I started my current job, and now that I am moving out, I am starting a new one. I'm going back to doing consumer-targeted interactive advertising - websites, web ads, etc. I will be working for the agency I was freelancing at when I first discovered knitting blogs! I'm excited about it, and about getting out of the world of direct-to-professional pharmaceutical advertising. I'll still be doing a good deal of pharma work, but it'll be aimed at you, the consumer, not your doctor. I'll also get to do some other non-pharma work.

The new agency is owned by the same big holding company that owns my current agency, so I get to keep all my benefits and seniority, which is awesome. Top that off with a 14% raise, and it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

It'll be tough to leave my current agency, as I've been there over 2 years (a long time for me) and have made a lot of good friends there. But I know I am making the right decision.

Someday, when all this quiets down, maybe I'll oh, I don't know -- knit something?

Oh my goodness. I love this woman. The Bag Blog, indeed! And apparently, she knits, too!

Could I be any lamer? Probably not. I've been wanting to post for weeks, but just been too lazy or overwhelmed or whatever.

Anyway, what's happened since November? Um, not much knitting, sad to say. But that will change soon. Why? Because I'm about to get some train-knitting time in my life. Every day.

We bought a house! Or, we're buying a house. We're in contract and supposed to close the first week of February. Ho-lee-shit, right?! It's in western Suffolk county on Long Island, about 15-20 minutes' drive from my parents.

Wanna see it?

So, now we're looking at furniture, paint, and all sorts of good stuff. It's overwhelming and exciting! I'll try not to be such a sucky blogger in the coming days.

Well, I finished the lacy poncho and got to wear it to the wedding in Philly last weekend! Been running around too much to actually blog about it until now. I got Ryan to take a picture.



It might've been better to take a picture when I was wearing something solid-colored underneath, but you get what you get!

Well, looks like it's time to throw myself into work, knitting, and whatever else. Anything to stop thinking about politics. I hope the days ahead aren't as dark as I fear them to be.

I hope you went and voted today, whatever side you're on! John Kerry got my vote, and Ryan's, too.

"Luckily," I am too busy to think a lot about the election. Work is crazy and I am reduced to sitting at my desk and trying not to hyperventilate for a lot of the day. Ugh.

I finished my beautiful lacy poncho and will try and take a picture when I get home tonight. It looks fabulous with my pink corduroys. :-)

Yesterday was so wonderful - I didn't have to be anywhere for the first time in over a month! And it was a cruddy day so neither of us minded staying in most of the day. Thus, I finished the second side of lacy poncho! I wet-blocked at about midnight, so by the time I get home from North Carolina tomorrow (4pm!), I should be able to sew it up, pick up the neck stitches, and wear it on Tuesday! I am very excited!

I'm about halfway through with the re-knitting of side 2 of the lacy poncho. It looks much better so far. I suppose I could've tried blocking the othe side to fit the large side, as Kathy suggested, but I think it wouldn't have looked so good. The gauge was so loose that the lace didn't look as nice as when it was tighter. So, live, learn, frog and re-knit.

Work is keeping me busy and nearly at the end of my sanity. I've also been traveling too much, and it's not ending for another 2 weeks. In the past month and a half, I have been to Dallas and Chicago for work, Missouri for fun, Atlanta for work, Baltimore for work, and Ann Arbor for fun. Now I have to go to North Carolina for work on Monday morning, so I will fly in Sunday night and have dinner with a friend there, then it's Philly for a wedding the following weekend. The scary part is I was hoping that'd be it until Christmas (we're going to Miami to see Ryan's father and his sister and her husband this year) but I recently got a new client at work and may have to travel for them sometime between 11/15 and Thanksgiving.

Help meeee!!!

Shit.

I just finished the second side of the lacy poncho, and apparently my gauge loosened up considerably doing this side. It's a good 2" bigger all around. Of course, I didn't realize this until after I wove in the ends and laid it out to block.

ARGH!

I guess I have to wait for it to dry, frog the sucker and redo it. Grrrrr. Could this BE more annoying? I wanted to wear it next weekend in Michigan. The only glimmer of hope is that I have about 4.5 hours of Amtrak time on Tuesday, going to and from Baltimore. But this really really sucks.

I don't really have time to post, but I will dash this off anyway.

Just got back from a lovely family reunion in Missouri. This is Ryan's Mom's side of the family, and I adore them. We ate, played with the kids, fielded all sorts of questions about life, and generally had a wonderful time. It was too short!

From Missouri I went on to Atlanta, where I had kind of a torturous day of market research. It didn't go very well and now I am home and revising revising revising stuff. It'll probably mean late nights the next few days, and a severe stress level. It sucks.

I got to repeat 20 of the second half of my poncho on one of my flights this weekend and ran out of yarn. Now, I have used four balls to this point, which leads me to think I used five on the first side, which would mean I have one ball left (I bought ten). Somewhere. Urgh. I don't know for sure, and I don't have time to search for it, either. I would know for sure if I had used five if I had only not been so efficient and woven in the ends already! I think I might actually need two more balls to finish the side and then do the neck. I may just suck it up and order more, since I don't see myself having time to go to Knit-A-Way this week. I wonder how much the dye lot matters in an open-work garment knitted in cream-colored yarn?

Regarding the house, we didn't do it. Long story short, it appears to be the most expensive house in the neighborhood, with the highest taxes. Not a great investment. It broke my heart. And now we're too fucking busy to look again this month, so it's on the back burner at the moment, right next to my sanity.

Look! Half a poncho!



I probably should've laid it out on a solid-colored towel to block, eh?

I'm now up to repeat 20 or 21 of the lacy poncho. It's so pretty! I wish I had more time to sit around and work on it. If only the subway weren't so damn crowded, I could get 20 minutes in each way during my commute, but it's so rare that I get a seat the whole way, and it's kind of a big piece to work on. I'm traveling again the week after next, though, which should get me some solid knitting time.

In other news, we're trying to buy a house. Our agent is presenting our bid tonight and I am VERY nervous! It is a really cute place, and in a good location. I'm afraid to say much more so just cross your fingers!

I bet you think I've just been sitting around doing nothing for the past two weeks. Wrong! I'm up to repeat 14 on my lacy poncho! I decided I had to make it, and had to make it unimaginatively in the same color as Bonne Marie's. It's just the most versatile shade, and I think I will want to wear this a lot. I'm using some Dale Falk yarn and it's very nice. I think I paid too much for it at Knit-A-Way (formerly Knitting Hands) in Brooklyn, but I wanted it right then and there and that was all they had. I rarely let that happen to me, but this time I just let it go.

So, here's the first chunk of poncho.



I'm very happy with it, and I know it'll look really nice once it's blocked. I have a wedding in Michigan 4 weeks from now, and I would like to wear this over the cute dress I got at Banana Republic last weekend. I wore it to a wedding last Sunday out at the beach, and froze with just a light pashmina. Oh, and I promise I didn't wear it with boots like the model, though it probably would've been nice and toasty and made my feet hurt less than the 3" heels I did wear! That's another item on my list - new black satin dressy shoes. I am finally admitting I can't wear the fuck-me heels anymore.

*sigh*

I often remark to myself that I will feel like the world is a better place when I can realize that I have gone a full day without being reminded of what happened here on September 11th, 2001. It seems there is always something that reminds me. Sometimes it is driving on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway and looking at the (still stunning, but now also sad) lower Manhattan skyline. Sometimes it's seeing a plane fly low overhead and realizing that I never used to think that was an ominous sound. Sometimes it's seeing a guy on the street who reminds me of one of the group of high school friends who died that day. It's always something. Obviously, today is a day when one not only cannot help to remember, but one must remember.

I remember, too, September 10th. I was deeply depressed. I had been unemployed and occasionally freelancing since February, and a project I had expected to last longer had just ended. I was sad because I felt my boyfriend was never going to be ready to marry me. I went to the beach with my Mom and cried about all of this. And on the way home, I remember it was such a clear day that we could see the skyline and the WTC very clearly in the distance (about 35 miles away) when we crossed over the bridges on the Wantagh Parkway.

The next day, my whole world changed. I woke up on a beautiful cloudless day with nowhere to go. Ryan was sleeping next to me, and I didn't turn on the TV as I usually did, because I was enjoying the peace and quiet. It was my best friend's mother calling from Albany to see if I was home and OK who informed me of what was going on. I was barely 2 miles uptown and didn't hear a thing until then. After that we turned on the TV, and all my personal troubles were forgotten.

Three years later I'm married to the guy who would never commit, steadily employed and even in-demand from other companies. Life is good. But I still can't go a day without at least some brief moment of thinking about it.

May all who were lost rest in peace, and may all who feel lost now find their way home.

I got to go to School Products yesterday during lunch! It's so close to my office, but I don't often get the chance to get there, and to have company. My friend Virg is re-learning to knit this weekend and she wanted to get some supplies. I love this store. They have such a great variety of yummy yarns.

I was debating what I wanted to make, when I came upon the big wall of Brown Sheep and remembered my dear departed hat. Did I mention my hat? It was pink and purple stripes and I made it two years ago and loved it. Then I lost it, probably back in February when we went to Baltimore. I was heartbroken, as it was a silly, cute hat that always got me compliments. You can see a little of it in this picture.



I almost bought some new Brown Sheep to re-make the hat, and then was struck by an even more brilliant idea when I saw a similar shade of pink in Karabella Aurora 8.



The Aurora 8 is so darn soft - 100% merino, and like buttah. I petted it for a bit, then found a fortuitious shade of purple.



The decision was made - I will have a new pink and purple striped hat, and it will be soft and yummy and it won't itch my forehead one single bit. Don't you love happy endings?

I love when my husband comments on my blog, ya know that? I love him in general, but I love him extra when I know he takes time out of the day to see what I'm saying here.

Not much to say. There's a whole load of job stuff going on, but I am not going to jinx it or risk anyone here seeing the scoop until it's all sorted.

We just got back from spending the weekend upstate with my friend Lisa and her family. We saw them two weeks ago and their son Alex wasn't walking or talking much (he's 15 months). Now two weeks later, he is walking like a pro(fessional toddler) and says stuff like "mama" and "cracker" and "ball" and "hi," though you can't count on him to say it at any given time. He's so cute and so much fun, and I wish we could see them all more often.

Not doing much knitting lately, because other stuff is in the way. I would like to make lots of stuff, but my attention span is very minimal right now. I think when the job is sorted out, I will be more productive that way. As much as I would like to deny it, autumn is coming whether I want it to or not, and it would be nice to have some pretty new things for me to wear, as well as stuff for all those babies that keep popping out.

I'm in love with Sebastian.



I spent the whole day with him and Leanne, and now I miss him so much. They live 53 miles away, and that never seemed far until now.

I had a lousy day yesterday, so my friend Amie sent something to cheer me up. I met Amie online when we were planning our weddings, and we've stayed friends, along with a small bunch of other girls who created an MSN Group so we could stay in touch. Amie had a baby a few months ago, so I knitted her a little strawberry cap. How cute is this little munchkin?



She definitely cheered me up!

No pictures of Leanne's new cutie, but I'm going there on Tuesday to spend the day and take too many pictures. :-)

It's a boy!! Sebastian Peter was born around 3pm on Friday, July 30th. Ryan and I took the long drive to the hospital and got there just as visiting hours ended, but they let us stay for about 20 minutes anyway. This hospital is seriously security-minded and won't let the babies out of the nursery until visiting hours are over, which I find extremely frustrating, but I guess they gotta do what they gotta do.

We got to see Sebastian getting a very very messy diaper changed, so we actually saw more of the butt end than the face end. But the little bit of face we did get to see was adorable! He's a cute little thing, for sure. Eight pounds, 6 ounces, 21 inches long. So he's big, but he wasn't the giant bruiser they were predicting.

Mom and Dad are doing fine. Mom's drugged up from the c-section but was in great spirits and was a great patient, they said. Dad is dancing on air, and as giddy as I've ever seen him.

I want one.

It's official - for various reasons, Leanne has to have a c-section. She's much more sanguine about it now than she was on Monday. It will be tomorrow, probably around midday. So exciting! We're going to go out to the hospital tomorrow night, even though they won't let us hold the baby. Is that new? Most of my friends who've had babies said the hospital didn't restrict that sort of thing, but this one says only parents and grandparents. Bleh! Still, I want to see the little tyke when it's fresh from the womb. :-)

Duck feet booties are ready to go! I made one pair with the Rowan "Sunny" color, and that is all ready. However, I found some really lovely yellow sport-weight cotton/acrylic yarn at School Products yesterday, and I have started another pair. I'm 90% done with bootie one, and would love to finish that and bootie two tonight. This yarn actually feels nicer than the cotton glace, and I think it's a better color. I have several friends with babies here or on the way who could use duck feet, so there's no wasted booties!

Since Liz wanted to know, I'll tell you that my Knit-A-Way experience was not a thrill. It was just like a Knitting Hands experience, although the staff seemed friendlier to the other people there who were asking questions. Basically, I think the big sale is to get rid of stuff, and they didn't seem to have anything new. It was mostly wool, and mostly stuff I don't like (I like soft soft soft), and mostly blechy colors. I was looking for yarn to make baby stuff and came home empty-handed.

Then again, I was in a crappy mood and that certainly could have contributed. I may have to go back. It's another cruddy day, so maybe today.

I am still struggling with that damn Debbie Bliss bear. It's horrid. I finished knitting all the tiny body parts, and putting them together is no more fun than the knitting of them. I hate the way it is constructed with seams running right down the center of the face. I don't know what I'm going to do about this awful little project that I thought would be so fun.

The upside is Leanne is still hanging onto that baby, though her due date was this past Thursday. Poor thing. They say he/she is about 10 pounds by now,  and they may have to induce or c-section her. She was very upset about the c-section possibility, as she has been a diligent Bradley method learner and really has taken care of herself and had a very easy pregnancy up to now. I told her she must have a comfy womb and that whatever happens, she's going to have a beautiful baby, no matter how it gets out of her. Yeah, that helped. Uh-huh.

In the meantime, I am making a pair of duck feet baby booties from Zoe Mellor's 50 Baby Bootees to Knit. I may give these to Leanne, because she has mentioned that she bought some of the Carter's "little duckie" print baby clothes. I also may give them to my friend Wendy, who has a brand-new son. I had bought some the the little duckie stuff for a baby we never got to see (and had to buy a larger size of other stuff)  a few months back, so I could give her that and the booties and have a great gift. I think that if Leanne has a boy,  she'll get the duck feet right away and I'll make another pair for Wendy's son, who I won't see as quickly. If she has a girl, I will send Wendy the ducks, and make the pink gingham booties on the cover of that book for Leanne, and maybe the duck feet later. I could also make the gingham in green, if it's a boy and I decide this plan is worthless. :-)

So many decisions, but right now it's all hinging on when that silly baby pokes its head out and what sort of equipment they find down below!

After reading the news on the Stitch-n-Bitch list, I got confirmation that Knitting Hands is now called Knit-a-Way, and is under new ownership. Well, that would explain the lack of stock and interest I experienced the past few times I went there. I'm intrigued by the change, and since my confirmation came in the form of a "20% off Everything!" coupon and today is a rainy day, I will be there sometime this afternoon.
 
Leanne is going to have her baby any day now, and I am no further on that stupid bear, so that's on my agenda, too. I might have to make some booties or something like that in the interim, just in case said baby pops out before I finish. I do have other gifts I am giving her, but none of them are handknitted (knitted baby monitors are not functional, it appears) and I want to give her something I made myself!
 
Headed to Grand Rapids, Michigan tomorrow for work, getting back Tuesday night. If I don't have to work on the plane, maybe I can knit. But I may get stuck with actual work. Yuk. I'm so over work. I was there until 11:30 Thursday night, and now that I didn't get the promotion, that sort of thing is extra-maddening. I'll work it out eventually, but in the meantime, I'm just not thrilled to be there at all.

I had sort of a shitty end of the week. On Wednesday, I had to drive in to the office so I could drive to Pennsylvania later in the day because we were shooting something on location there Thursday, starting very early. On 8th Avenue, like 5 blocks from my office, I got rear-ended by a cab. It was a minor incident, but I still wanted a Police report, just in case we end up having to replace the whole damn bumper. The whole thing was just a big pain in the ass, and made me very late for work (which was OK - I called and explained and no one minded).

Yesterday, I got to work and went to see my boss. She told me that my raise had come in, and through our conversation, I discovered I was not getting promoted along with this 6.25% percent raise. Well, back in the beginning of the year, when I first started asking about my review/raise, she told me I would absolutely be getting promoted, that I was definitely ready. When I asked her if there was anything more I needed to be doing, she told me no, I was doing great. So this was a tremendous shock.

I was too shocked to bring any of that up at the time; basically I was so shocked all I could do was say "I have to go" and head for the ladies room in case I actually burst out in tears. I didn't, but I was choked up for a while.

I have a friend at work who was at the same level as me, and asked our boss about her raise/promotion outlook around the same time I did. She wasn't satisfied with the answer, went out looking for other jobs, got an offer that came with a promotion and a HUGE raise, told our boss, got counter-offered (not the same salary, but apparently a good compromise) and is now my "superior." Actually, it looks like now I am going to be her "right-hand" person on some of her projects. This isn't a problem between us, because she's great, and she even said she doesn't think of it that way - she knows we're equals outside of the blackmail. But for me, it feels like a tremendous setback, and the irony of it all is too much.

I can't figure out what happened, which is the worst part. Why would she say one thing and then do another? I had no indication at any time during the past 6 months that I was lacking in any way. She is constantly telling me how wonderful I am. So what gives? I'm going to bring it up next week when I can talk about it without crying (lack of PMS would help that situation greatly!). But the cold hard reality is that if this is the decision, it's not going to change now, and I am going to have to wait until next year for a substantive raise and promotion.

That's too long. I already spoke to several people who assured me of my high value in the marketplace, and it looks like I'm going to have to find that out for myself. I don't expect I'll go the blackmail route, either. Once my heart's not in it anymore, I'm out. This makes me sad, because I thought I'd be able to stay here for a while and could be really happy, here. Until now, my boss has been the absolute most wonderful person I could ever hope to work for in a million years. Sad.

Yeah, it's been well over a month since I posted. That's lame.

So what happened in that time? I worked about a gajillion hours, went to Chicago for work, had a fun birthday, went to Hawaii with my family, had my first anniversary, had a great time on vacation, came home and worked a million more hours (negating most of the nice vacation effects), New Jersey, Phoenix, and Dallas for work, got jet-lagged, came home, collapsed in a heap, went back to work, and finally had a nice long weekend.

Right now I am knitting Debbie Bliss's Bear in a Lamb Sleep Suit for Leanne's baby. She loved it in the book and so I decided to make it for her as a surprise. How cute is this?



Unfortunately, the instructions suck ass. Seriously. First off, the colors are specified by name in the book, but only in numbers on the shade card, so the brown I ordered online (because I couldn't get to a LYS that carried it) is the wrong brown. I can live with that - it's just a more fair-furred bear than I had planned on.

The actual knitting instructions are far worse than that. This thing is knit in a zillion little tiny pieces, and then there is no friggin schematic for how to put it together! Just a bunch of paragraphs of description. Hey, Debbie, a picture is worth a thousand stupid words! Because it's so annoying, I've mostly knitted only on airplanes, and even then it's been hard to force myself to do it. I'm almost done with the bear part. I suspect the lamb suit part will be less of a pain in the butt.

I promise to be a better blogger from here on.

So, does anyone remember last year, when my best friend told me we were going to a big yarn sale in order to get me to my bridal shower? Strangely enough, almost exactly a year later, my now-pregnant best friend and I went to the yarn store she decoyed me with! It was called The Knitting Cove and was a lovely place to while away an hour or so on a beautiful day.

I came home with a Debbie Bliss baby knits book and some baby cashmerino to make some booties. My cube-neighbor at work just had a baby boy, and since he was there when I gave my other friend the strawberry cap, I wanted to give him something, too. The pattern works up quickly, and the booties are so cute! Don't you agree?

My blog's been quiet, but I sure haven't. I feel like I haven't had a minute to myself for weeks! No knitting, no sewing, nothing but working and running from place to place. I've had a lot of fun, but I am so worn out and just want a quiet day to myself. Dunno when that's going to happen.

Mother's Day was fun. Mom and Dad came over and I cooked an amazing brunch (if I do say so myself), culminating in amazing crab cakes, courtesy of America's Test Kitchen. If you like crab cakes, make these. The only trick is being willing to shell out 20-25 bucks for the jumbo lump crabmeat. It is totally worth it. You'd pay that for one serving of these at a restaurant, and they wouldn't be as good, damnit.

Been reading in New York Magazine about the protests planned for the Republican National Convention in August. I still can't believe it's going to be here. A block from my office. Shit. What a mess. I may have to go join the protests, since I will be in the neighborhood! What worries me is that the US Open is going on at the same time, and apparently the Mets and Yankees are both at home. What a friggin mess, whatever your political leanings.

Starting to get really excited for our trip to Hawaii in June. My whole family (Mom, Dad, brother, us) is going. Mom's birthday, June 11th, is King Kamehameha Day, a big holiday there. She has always wanted to go, so we are. We'll spend the first 5 days on Oahu, the next 6 on Kaua'i. Our anniversary falls in the middle of the Kaua'i leg of the trip, so we'll get to spend it in my favorite place in the world.

Well, work got crazy again and I've hardly had any time to knit, sew, or blog. It's frustrating - one week is so dead that you're wondering where you're going to bill your time (the evil that comes along with working in a client-service business) and the next you're insanely busy and wondering how you're going to find the time to do it all.

In between all that we went to Atlanta for the wedding of my friends Peggy and Ronna. Screw anyone who has an issue with calling it a wedding and not a committment ceremony. These two wonderful women are so in love, and it was one of the best weddings I've ever been to! Lots of family and friends, lots of love, lots of dancing and good food. What's not to love?

Ryan and I made new best friends, too. Ronna's two nieces, Carly (6) and Wensday (yes, it's really spelled that way and she's 8) latched on to us the first night of the weekend, and none of us ever let go. Everyone kept telling us we need to have kids ASAP. Well, yeah, it's not like it hasn't occurred to us. We're getting there. Someday we'll either be financially in a position to do it, or decide we can't wait any longer and hell, there are a ton of people with kids who make far less money than I do, even if Ryan doesn't have a full-time job. We'll see which happens first.

This weekend is the Cherry Blossom Festival so we'll be back at the Botanic Garden. I think our friend Wil and his girlfriend are joining us there on Saturday. That night we've got a party to go to - a colleague of mine is having "Drinko de Mayo." Who can resist that? Maybe Sunday I will get back to sewing, since it's supposed to be rainy.

We had a little baby shower at work for my friend here who is about to have her baby. First we gave her a gift certificate many people contributed to, and then I gave her a strawberry cap, which made her cry. Happy cry, you know. It was really sweet.

I bought fabric and trim for my copy of the Garnet Hill skirt, and sewed part of the skirt yesterday. Unfortunately, I am not thrilled with it. It sits a bit too high on the waist for my taste. Part of that is the pattern, part of it is that I think it's a bit small, so it's happier sitting higher up on my waist where it is narrower. Grr. I have more fabric, and am toying with the idea of just trying something else or making it in a larger size. Why is it so hard to find a simple, lowish-waisted a-line skirt pattern. You know, like EVERY SKIRT in EVERY STORE out there?

Oh well. I'll figure it out.

Other than that, all is well. It's finally beautiful, glorious Spring here. Ryan and I went back to the Botanic Garden yesterday and pretended to get married again. It was good fun and we took some pictures, but I was too pooped to download them last night so those will have to wait. It was a lovely day, and we ended it off by ordering Indian food for dinner, just like we did on our real wedding night. :-)

I'm kind of fried today. Last night I went out to a going-away party for someone I've worked very closely with for the past 6 months, and who I will really miss. I hadn't eaten much and probably could have done with 1 fewer Tanqueray+Tonic. Ryan joined the party and we had a great time, dancing and laughing and drinking. I didn't pay too hard this morning, but enough that I decided I want to be a lump tonight. So, while Ryan is out seeing Hellboy with our friend John, I am home being nice and quiet.

Added a few more links on the left. I'll try and link to anyone who comments, unless you're nasty. :-)

Well, I gave in with the Cotton Colori and started another Ginger tank. It's so pretty and so flattering, and I don't mind something easy and fast right now. Maybe someday it'll even be warm enough to wear it!

I've recently gotten re-interested in sewing. I bought a machine like a year ago, and felt terrible that it sat for so long. I finally pulled it out a few weeks ago to hem some pants, and now I have the bug. I fell in love with this skirt from Garnet Hill over the weekend, and I think I can make something similar for far less than the $198 bucks they want for it. My office is in NYC's Garment District, so there are tons of great fabric stores around here. I just have to get my ass out to visit one of them and I am sure I will find tons of wonderful ways to spend my money. And take up more space in my apartment. Whee!

OK, I just added a bunch of new links. If you've left me a nice comment in the past 6 months and included your URL, you're there. If you're not and would like to be, just let me know (via comments is the easiest way).

What else is there do to on a rainy Sunday but clean the oven and update your blog links? Yup, I finally have gotten to two of my big "housecleaning" to-do items. The oven was fairly self-explanatory - actually, I didn't let the stuff sit long enough so I re-sprayed and that's what made me turn to the blog.

Updating my links was a pain in the butt! I deleted links to any blogs that haven't had entries in 2004. I also updated links to those I was previously linked to and have moved. I added a few links to non-knitters I've become friends with and enjoy reading.

What I did not do (yet) is add new links. I'm working on it. If you want me to link to you, let me know! Reply here in my comments. I'm going to look through previous comments to find people who've said nice things but aren't linked to, also.

In other random news, if you like Yankee Candles (or other candles with the same size opening as their jar candles) get yourself a Candle Capper now! Ryan and I were in the (don't laugh) Country Clutter store at the Tanger outlets a few weeks ago, buying some candles, and the saleslady talked us into getting one. It's awesome! Just as the package promises, the candles burn more evenly, and there's no black sooty buildup on the side of the jars. I should just buy a boatload of these to give to people when I give them gifts.

Yay for the new Knitty! A nice way to start a Friday, certainly. I see a few things I'm interested in making. I hope one of my pregnant friends has a girl, so I can give her this adorable dress. And a friend of mine has been offering to pay me to make her a meshy shawl, similar to a sweater she has. I've been trying to decide how to make it, but this frill pattern may just fit the bill! The honeymoon cami also looks awfully cute.

The only thing I'm not thrilled about is the preponderance of very short sweaters - stuff that leaves your belly button hanging out. I know I can lengthen them - that's not the issue. I just don't like the proportions as they are. Maybe if I were still young and skinny I would.

Anyway, Knitty is always fun to read and inspirational. I'm really so proud of and impressed with Amy for turning this dream into such a wonderful reality. The whole story just makes me happy whenever I think about it.

I went to a fun new yarn store on Saturday! We were out on Long Island so I decided we should visit Garden City Stitches. A friend of a friend used to manage the place, and recently bought the owner out, but I had never been there.

I was very pleased with the store. They had a nice selection of basic yarns, and tons of novelty yarns. Plus the staff was awfully nice and helpful - one woman just sat and chatted with me and Ryan for ages about design, etc. I fell in love with a froufy eyelashy scarf, and ended up buying the yarn to make it. It's one ball of Artful Yarns Cinema, in the "Mrs. Miniver" colorway, and one ball of Plymouth DazzleLash in shade 129. Easy peasy, a few hours later I had a scarf. Gotta love instant gratification.



I also finished another strawberry cap. Now for a change of pace I'm working on a pumpkin. Still haven't decided what I am doing with my Cotton Colori, but I'm sure it'll become something soon enough.

I am totally beat. Exhausted. Worn-out. Bushed.

Got stuck at work until 8:30 on Tuesday, then had to be up at 5am to fly to Fort Lauderdale Wednesday. We were in market research until 9pm, at which point we went to our hotel. Once we checked in, my keycard didn't work, twice. They had to find me a new room. Didn't get to the room until almost 10, and didn't get to sleep until nearly 11. Back up at 5 for a 7am flight and a car directly back to the office.

I am never letting anal-retentive-afraid-to-slack-off Jeff-the-account-guy (who is a nice guy otherwise) determine my travel arrangements again! At least I left at 4pm. This post will likely be one of my last conscious acts of the day.

I did manage to finish a strawberry cap on the flight out. I was surrounded by little old ladies who marveled at how I "got" my needles onto the plane. OK, I've brought my knitting needles on every single flight I have taken since 9/11/01. Every time. In the US (including Hawaii) and in Europe. No one has ever said anything about it. They had to put my purse through twice yesterday at the x-ray machine (I had a scary-looking banana in it?) but not the carry-on with the knitting stuff. I usually have Addi circs, and always something on them, not that I think they can see that in the x-ray. This time I also had 5 wooden size 6 dpns, and those were fine, too. I told the ladies that and they were astounded. I also gave them Ann Norling's name for the pattern, and the Elann.com URL. Good times.

The other bright spot of research was ordering in Joe's Stone Crab for dinner. Yum! Totally the highlight of the trip. I love crab, and it definitely softened the blow of sitting in a dark room in Florida for 10 hours.

Other than that, not much to report. I'm totally noticing the effect of sleep deprivation on my cognitive abilities. I have said many stupid things today. I'm going to quit now before I say another.

Has anyone seen the sun? I sure haven't. The one day it was decent here this week, I was in St. Louis for market research, where it was grey and cold, too. And it's snowing yet again. I am so sick and tired of this stupid stupid winter. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring, but I don't see much improvement in the weather forecast.

On Wednesday I'm going to Fort Lauderdale for market research, but, painfully, I will not get to enjoy the weather there. I arrive in the morning, sit in a room all day, and leave the next morning. Depressing. If we're going to do that, at least let it not be someplace so pleasantly warm!

Not much exciting knitting going on right now. I'm making some strawberry caps for some pregnant ladies, and trying to find more Cotton Classic. I wonder why it's suddenly so hard to come by?

I just took a quick check of my comments and need to address this one right away - I am not pregnant! Leanne, my friend, is the pregnant one. I thought that was clear, but maybe not? Trust me, when I do get pregnant, it will not be an addendum to the end of a post about other stuff. ;-)

I found the perfect pants to go with HoJo! We made a very spontaneous trip out to Tanger Outlets in Riverhead yesterday and I found them at J. Crew. So, if you were in my office, this is what you would see coming towards you today.



Tonight, Ryan and I are going to see Leanne, who is participating in An Evening of Good Taste. Can you believe they're letting us in? ;-) I'm looking forward to seeing and tasting the show, and seeing Leanne and her (have I even mentioned this yet? I might not have) 5-month pregnant belly!